Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Successful reboot

Soft blur
One of the pieces of art I created this weekend
Created in Moleskine Journal  - click to enlarge to see details
c beepdoodles

Do you reboot your brain? Your psyche?

I wish I could say exactly what it was (or maybe I enjoy the mystery), but I've had success in rebooting myself. My brain, I mean.

It's elusive, and I can't do it on will, but I have learnt how to do this. I know that's an oxymoron, but that's exactly how it works. I know it's possible. I know some of the things that work. And I have learned to trust it. Though that took me a long time. It took awhile to trust my psyche.

Soft blur before ~
the same image, as I first created it , before I started manipulating it
Created in Moleskine Journal  - click to enlarge to see details
c beepdoodles
For the past 2 days, I have read, drawn, slept, listened to chill music, and truly done nothing. Bit of social media, bit of work, bit of puttering (not much). Didn't leave the house. Didn't talk to a soul. Just relaxed. I didn't hide. I just relaxed. And rested.

That sounds easier than is, to accomplish the outcome. Because I don't know how long it will take, or if I'll do something to sidestep myself, or if I'll end up needing to rejoin the world ~ as in human contact, getting back to things I need to do, going to work, the end of alone time ~ but if I trust it, until I feel it, then it's like magic.

The magic is that feeling I have when I awake feeling restored. Restored, alive, refreshed, happy, glad to be alive, bopping, optimistic, energetic, creative, myself. I am myself. MYSELF. And it is so exhilarating!

Exhilarating, because when I feel like this, everything is possible. I am in a good mood, I am at home in me, I have energy, and I am on fire! And it's SO EXCITING because I can never quite put my finger on what's different when this feeling is gone, and I can't even assume it will be back. But inside, I know. I just know what it takes to restore.

That's where the trust comes in.

Because it never works the same way twice.

The girls
Created in Moleskine Journal  - click to enlarge to see details
c beepdoodles
To find this magic, I really do need to let go of all planning, any thoughts of what I should be doing, any thoughts of even what I want to do. All I can do is trust that from one moment to the next I know on some level.

I know this has a lot to do with being an introvert, and that time alone is huge in restoring myself. But it's not only that ~ if so, I could have this feeling anytime I have 2 days alone. But I've never felt this way without being alone.

I think it's like a big time out.

I take time out to reboot. And I trust that, if I let myself relax into it, it will eventually happen.

I no longer want to understand the magic, but it fascinates me. It's always such as surprise when I wake up feeling this way, but I never feel more alive when I do. And I want to dance, giggle, grin, bop, celebrate... at the joy I feel in being alive, in being me. Being myself. I am HOME. Home inside myself.

Interesting that I am writing about this, as I actually am reluctant to share this part of myself. It's me at my essence. I can't even put my finger on exactly what makes me tick, and am a big guarded about peeling back the layers too much on a formula to get to this state. Because it cannot be forced. I have learned it cannot be forced. It only works if I let go, and trust. I even let go of waiting for it to happen. I let go of wanting, or even remembering, what "it" is. All I do is trust, and take time. And the miracle that is my brain, my psyche, my self, can do it's work. It's a little like I need to give my psyche room to breathe. And it will find it's way home, or back to life, or whatever.

Enough analysis.

Now I am going to go about enjoying this feeling that I woke up with.

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