Sunday, March 13, 2016

Bored with my blog

Bleh, bored with my blog,, it's lost meaning for me. How strange, it used to be an extension of me.

Maybe it's a reflection of me, and my tired and slightly bored soul. How does that happen? How does that happen to an eternal optimist, who feels one's identity is all about being .... what ? I am far enough from it all that I can't describe what it really is, that thing, that thing that is me.

As if it wasn't necessary to state the obvious, maybe I'm changing at the core in more ways than I knew.

I feel like I am in an eternal limbo, although that is largely of my own making. Out of sync with my environment and my focus, it seems like have I have just checked out, rather than adapt.

Or is that really true? Or is this just the fog of adapting, or readjusting, of realigning a life, even when I wasn't thinking I needed it, or wanted it. But maybe we don't choose. Drop the maybe. Life happens. Shit happens. Love happens. Loss happens. Being beyond broke happens. Being misunderstood happens... but when have I ever felt understood? And when did I start trying to be, or caring if I was?

Lack of validation happens, so what's new. That's life.

There are lots of people who wander through life, colliding with circumstances, spewing bits of their story here or there, hoping someone will listen, will understand, will care, will say I hear you, will see you, will let you feel heard, let you feel understood, let you relax, and just be. Of course, they don't find it, because with a few rare exceptions (are there really soulmates?!), we can only get the real validation we need from within.

I know all this, but somehow I have gotten out of sync enough with myself that I didn't recognize it happening to me. By me. Like a bull in a china shop. Crash, crash, hear me, see me, understand me, fuck. What shit. It's all important, but I can't get it from others, I can only find it in myself.

This won't be the only time in my life when things will shift in ways I don't expect, but I need to find a way to keep centred in my core when I don't have all those things that make it "easy" for me to stay grounded. I once thought that was my home. And perhaps it is. After 6 years without my own place, I can see the me before and after, and I don't really recognize my spirit. I've had lots of richnesses added on, but the core is frayed and floppy.

When I was in Europe, after I had been there about a month, and realized I was "home-less", and after a few days of figuring out what that meant, I thought I figured it out. That who I am goes with me, and my home is wherever I am, my home is within me. That I can be anywhere and, given just a little bit of my 'stuff" (virtually none), I am home.

So, what happened?

I think I got lazy. I think I took it for granted. I think I didn't work at it. I think I didn't think I had to.

So when I 'let myself go', or immersed myself in other worlds and occupations (such as caring for my mom), I just dropped my spiritual practice, caring for my spirit, doing things that nourish my soul.

Hell, I hit so many periods where I could barely keep my head above water, crawl my way out of overwhelming moments, that it was a all I could do was find myself enough space to relax, who was thinking about restore?

It's not about what happened to me (someone recently told me that 'hard done by' didn't fit me - no kidding! definitely not how I feel.. but interesting to hear that that's how I was being misinterpreted). ... it's about how I keep my centre, whatever life throws my way, or whatever I pursue.

Or how I have to do to maintain that.

Or what I have to do to find my way back when I drift.

I feel like I am coming out of a fog (ok, I typo'd that as "bog" - how Freudian!)...

Won't be surprised to find myself changed, not the same person I am getting back to. But whatever it is, whatever me is emerging, it needs space. And tending.

Bored.. an interesting word. I  always felt too interested in life to be bored, now am I just boring?

Shit, that would just be boring. No way!

Hmmmm... wonder what this means for where I will take my blog. It needs reinventing just as I seem to need the same.


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