You would have been 71

May 28, 2020

Carol Leigh

You would have turned 71 today

If only you were still here

I never had to calculate your age, as I would just add 10 years to my own age

At 61, I have already lived so many years longer than you

While I came to accept your death, I simultaneously could never quite grasp the it of it all

You were so full of life

Always my big sister

You had such amazing perspectives 

Not only did you know the histories of all religions, but you celebrated them all

Not one to be knocked down, no matter what curve balls life dealt you, you always looked at what laid ahead as an adventure 

I can hear you saying

It's not what I would have chosen, but it's where I am

I might as well enjoy it

You taught me this so well

You equipped me well

To face the world without you

I am not often lonely, but sometimes when I think of you, I feel lonely

I miss you so much

You taught me to embrace life

You taught me to make the best of any situation 

You taught me that I am strong enough to survive anything

Even when it seems I can't imagine surviving life without being able to talk things out with you

Oh, our grand telephone marathons, how we would sometimes go on for hours

Long enough that we needed pee breaks

Today I am thinking about how I would meet you

Every other Friday night

Downtown 

At the Bay

We'd dine in the Bay's glorious rooftop buffet

Where one could sit for hours

We loved meeting here because it was next to the furniture department 

They had all these living scenes set up

Living rooms you could step into

Where you could imagine your life

You could sit back in an easy chair

Or perch on an ottoman

And imagine living in the space

We met there because either of could arrive first

And amuse oneself for hours, til the other arrived

I was so young and green

And you gave me big sisterly advice

I knew how to live as a young woman in the big city

Because of you

There wasn't a problem you couldn't solve

Or help me solve

And on the way we'd examine all the possibilities of what could come next

And the opportunity in each

I never felt daunted by life

Except

Perhaps

Weekend mornings when I was living in the West End

And would go out for coffee

And think, no

This doesn't seem right

I should be with Carol right now

But you were gone

Once or twice every weekend I would see you

At your hospice

Sometimes picking you up to take you for a drive

Oh, how you loved those drives!

You who had lost your ability to explore 

Could once again travel the streets

Coast through Stanley Park

Enjoying sun snd rain

Fresh air and memories

And we would talk, and talk, and talk

I was at a total loss when you were gone

I would go out for coffee

But not quite relax

It was quite a shock, to be there, alone

Without you

Without you to visit

Without you to talk to 

Without you

In this place that you encouraged me to move to

How would I enjoy it

Without you to share it with?

An existential moment

A moment of reckoning

Many moments

But slowly

Alas

I had the strength to carry on without you

Even though a part of me broke inside

I had those lessons

It's not the life I would have chosen

This living without you

But I did

I am 

I know there is a lot I have pushed

Down and away

But never did I look at bleakness ahead

I saw opportunity and possibilities ahead

I could turn my energy to embracing where I was at the moment

Counting my blessings 

Digging deep

And, eventually, living again seemed normal

I stopped feeling at a loss

Because I'd much rather visit you

Than have coffee by myself

I was ok

I am ok

So many memories float through my mind this morning 

My heart

My soul

I miss you terribly big sister

But you are always here with me

I feel your presence often

And I feel your lessons always

Love you forever Carol Leigh

Quotes from the diary study

On the screen after submitting each COVID-19 Daily Diary Study entry, there is a quote, and I've decided to collect them (I might even ask them for the first ones). 

Here's today's:

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow.'

- Mary Anne Radmacher

Review: My Story (Elizabeth Smart's story)

My Story by Elizabeth Smart
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Simply inspiring
I remember Elizabeth Smart's abduction when it happened, as well as the startling revelations when she was rescued, that she had spent time on the streets in her home town, behind a veil, controlled by her captors. Elizabeth tells the story of her kidnapping, her captivity and rescue with courage and unapologetic honesty. Its a compelling story, made especially meaningful by the telling in her own voice. How one moves on after such incredible trauma is fascinating to me. I am endlessly curious about why some crumble and stay in the grips of their trauma, while others ultimately emerge strong, resolute and determined to embrace their second chance at life. The latter certainly describes Elizabeth, and she tells it well.

View all my reviews

Review: Lost in My Mind

Lost in My Mind: Recovering From Traumatic Brain Injury by Kelly Bouldin Darmofal
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Courageous insights into living with a brain injury
I admire Kelly's courage and openness in telling her story. Her thoughtful and articulate account of the accident that resulted in her brain injury, her long road to recovery, and the lasting impacts on her life is told with both brutal honesty and humour. I learned so much about Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI); it was a real eye opener. What stayed with me most is how tenacious Kelly was in reaching her academic goals; she had to work SO hard! Today Kelly is a speaker and advocate for TBI, and is already making a difference in this world. Listen and be inspired.

View all my reviews

The Picture of Courage

This man is the picture of courage. I am both saddened and inspired.

If you don't follow the Tour de France, then let me introduce you to Johnny Hoogerland. After being hit by a media car - along with cyclist Juan Antonio Fletcha - landing in a barbed wire fence, getting back on his bike (after being cut out of the fence, then tended to a doctor riding a motorcycle), persevered to finish the race while bleeding and in excruciating pain. He is on the podium because in addition to being in a breakaway of five riders that actually was going to beat the peloton to the finish, he was positioned to win the "King of the Mountains" polka-dot jersey - all he had to do was finish. It didn't matter that he came in 16 minutes after Luis Leon Sanchez (who took the win for stage 9); all he had to do was cross.

What courage. He was in tears as he was awarded his jersey and in such obvious agony. They say it took them 33 stitches to sew him up afterwards (well, I also heard 44 stitches, whichever it was, it was a lot).

Some other reflections:

• I know the riders take risks, and they accept those risks -- but it's one thing to go crashing over the edge of a mountain or into a ditch as a result of cycling (and there have been plenty of those in this year's TDF -- but to be hit by a car? It's crazy - and I feel for all those riders shaken by the incident, as well as those injured


• It was a French television media car that hit them and -- get this -- they were ignoring instructions from the TDF Race Director on race radio (it's in one of the articles below) - it's beyond irresponsible


• I was shocked to see the images of Johnny wrapped in the barbed wire, being cut out, the huge gashes in his legs and on his bared ass (yes, his uniform was in tatters), and his blood covered legs as he crossed the finish line - but I looked


• I was bothered that I looked, as it seems disrespectful, somehow, to be looking at the worst of it all - and thought of how he would feel, knowing his rear end was displayed to the world in tweets, then re-tweeted, and re-tweeted..... I wish people would resist the temptation to re-tweet the pictures that he'd really not want anyone to see


• But mostly, I am moved by the deep-to-the-core courage it took for him to get up on his bike and carry on.

Remarkable courage. Inspiring. Breathtaking. Moving. RAW COURAGE. Wow.
Here are a few articles about what happened, if you missed all the action:
Tour chief furious at vehicle accidents
More blood and broken bones leave the peloton shaken and looking for answers

Reflections on blogging, writing and courage

Image source

It's interesting to observe how my blog has changed over the years and, every once in awhile when I do make a significant change, I do notice a bit of a struggle. Like now. With my travels, appropriately, I began to cater what I wrote about to the "audience" of friends and family who were following along. Or, as many said, living vicariously through me. Now that I am "home", I am finding the voice of that public self, isn't necessarily what draws me to write as often as I write. Sometimes I just want to write. I don't want to write for someone else. And I do do that, to a degree. But lately I've noticed myself mentally editing what I want to write about, thinking that whatever "it" is it may not be suitiable for "this" blog I write. LOL. And I truly did laugh out loud as I finished that last sentence. Suitable for what? It's MY blog, afterall.



What is this new blog? Perhaps just more of journal. There is, of course, stuff I journal about that's not going to make it onto my blog... stuff that is truly personal. But, for the most part, I want to shake off whatever personna I have created for myself here, and just be me. For me.


Typical Aquarian response, perhaps. Or, perhaps, better said, typical Roberta response. I don't like routine, and I certainly don't like to be put in a box, even if that box is of my own making.

Sometimes a girl just wants to write, you know?



It's like I need to clear away this niggling doubt in order to transform my blog to be whatever it is meant to be, to accompany me on this journey of reinventing myself, and creating a new life. Because, what I'm doing right now, this reinvention, is pretty exciting. And I can't hold it all inside. I don't want to hold it all inside. What makes it most fun is I don't know what it will be.

I was asked the other day what the fun is in my life. I was surprised to blurt out "my life is my fun!" And it's true. Ever since I stopped "working" (at a job-job) almost a year ago, my life has all been about fun. Even when it's been a little bleh, it's still been fun. Because I don't really know where I am going.



All I know for sure is that I am learning and going with the flow. I am LOVING having nothing to tie me down. I am enjoying my own company. I am enjoying seeing what emerges when I doodle for a few hours. I am delighted to notice when I let things go, things that I think used to mean a lot to me, but today don't really. I am encouraged to find my heart pushing it's way into the forefront of my life, versus being tucked in a little corner, hidden away where it can't get hurt. I am encouraged to find my courage prominent in my life.



Heh. Just noticed the root of the word ENCOURAGED is COURAGE. Veeerrrryyyyy interesting.

I am encouraged by my courage. Indeed.



Courage feels so much better than fear.
Courage feels so much better than doubt.
Courage feels so much better than control.
Courage feels so much better than contraction.
Courage feels better.
Courage feels.
Courage.

Me: courage. Me, my life, courage, and art. Just hanging out, living my life, creating my art, learning my lessons, moving along my journey, doodling along, living along, loving along, reflecting, writing, exploring, staying open, just being me.



What a lovely example of what happens when I really write. I start writing about one thing, and end up thinking about another. And I work stuff out as I go. Writing is a pretty powerful tool in my life.

I like it.