Almost 10 years in review?

Well, not quite... but while I was looking for something on my blog today, I found a post I made about a month before my 50th birthday. Considering that I'll be saying hello to 60 in less than 4 months, I thought this portion of it might be worth a review.

My initial observation is that I'm not much into buckletlists, as stopped 1/2-way through my list of 50 things. But I did do some of these:

50 THINGS I STILL WANT TO DO... (from age 50)

My arrival in Rome

1.See Rome - DONE!

Little did I know when I created my list that I would spend 3 weeks in Rome in 2009. Mostly all I remember now is the good, but I did have a bit of a love/hate relationship with Rome when I was there. It probably had more to do with the heat and fatigue, and coming face-to-face with my life after a few months on the road, but it's something I mulled over in my mind for a long time. Oh, yes, I was sick too. I actually started to write a book about that... I wonder where that draft is?

My reflections from my first day:
Arrival in Rome


2.See Led Zepplin live

My first beepdoodles booth

3.Sell a piece of my art - DONE!

I sold my first in 2011. This is a pic of a little booth I had at weekly flea market affair, which I did for a few months. I actually went on to have a booth at the Moss Street Market. It was a great accomplishment, but more work than fun... and finally realized I loved doodling more than selling.

4.Visit Ottawa and our national museums

5.Visit the Artic

6.Take the train across Canada

7.Learn another language

8.Take a transatlantic crossing

I saw this and much more Gaudi
architecture in Barcelona!

9.See Gaudi architecture in Barcelona - DONE!

I saw a lot of Gaudi architecture in Barcelona, but for some reason I don't have many pictures on my blog. But it was FABULOUS!!

Here's one of my blog posts (and I really should go back and post more of my Gaudi pictures):
Barcelona is a sea of...

10.Go to the Rock of Gibralter

11.See Moscow's awesome subway stations

Me at an exclusive-access U2 concert
at Brandenburg Gate in Berlin

12.See a rock concert at Madison Square Gardens or the o2 in London (or both ;-) - DONE!

Actually, not done, but close enough. I consider my experience at the U2 concert at Brandenburg Gate in Berlin to be comparable.

I posted quite a bit about this on my blog, including how I changed my flights to be there, even though I couldn't get a ticket... then I did!:
Irony near the old Iron Curtain
U2 in Berlin: Experience my experience

13.Make a difference in this world - hmmm...

14.See the Bay of Fundy

I probably planned to write about my time in
Florence when I got to Venice, but who
would want to stay inside?
This pic is from my post on Venice bars.

15.See Michael Angelo's David - to witness what the amazing efforts in WWII to save it gave us - DONE!

I definitely did this, and it (he) was glorious. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have any pictures on my blog from Florence to even prove I was there. I guess I was out having too much fun. I did a lot there, including papermaking from one of the oldest papermakers in the city.

16.Visit Amsterdam

17.Go to the Sydney Opera House

18.Visit Normandy and the Canadian memorial

This silly train picture is from my arrival in
Paris. I suspect I was a little more travel worn
and relaxed when I boarded my overnight
train from Paris to Rome

19.Take an overnight train in Europe - lie in bed being rocked by the train... - DONE!

There was a nun in the upper berth of my cabin eating potato chips! Really. I could have written a comedy show about it, but I held the ladder for the ancient gal when she came down to use the loo!

Our pedicab driver in Central Park

20.A carriage ride around Central Park - DONE!

Actually, not done, but my friend Kelly and I took a pedicab around Central Park instead, and a much better idea anyways. I'd definitely recommend it.

A few highlights from that day in NYC and just scroll for more (I think I was there about 10 days):
In the Big Apple: Sunday in NYC

21.Have nude portraits taken - DONE!

Well, not done, but I did do several life (nude) modelling sessions for artists, so I actually consider that to be braver! Don't worry, there shall be no photos!

22.Get a tattoo of my own art

My booth at the Empress show

23.Show my art at a show or in a cafe or something - DONE!

I participated in an art show at the Empress Hotel in 2011. While I was out for coffee, a fellow from New York apparently bought one of my doodle clocks (pictured at the back), for a nice tidy price! Never met him though.

24.Go through the Chunnel

That's me in the mirror, at the
"real" Checkpoint Charlie

25.Visit Checkpoint Charlie - DONE!

And I saw the real one!

When I spent a month in Berlin, I went to the Allied Museum, where the original hut is housed - the rest of the site was fantastic, and it's a much overlooked attraction.

Read more in my blog post:
Would the real Checkpoint Charlie please stand up?

26. and here my list stopped...




Creeping up on 50...

My blog, my blog...

... where art thou?

Just out of the habit again. But things are shifting, so it makes sense to see if I can get myself back in the groove.

I have always preferred to use my own pictures for my blog posts, when I can... but as I don't even have a camera anymore, and have lost that habit too, I turn to a very small collection of pictures of the cat on my crackberry. This is sweet Maui, enjoying spring, in the front yard.

I do, of course, have a gazillion photos from my big trip 4 years ago (??? how did it get to be 4 years ago?!?!). Can't wait to do more sorting.

I mention things are shifting, and they are. First up, for those who are interested (I am), my mom is doing great in residential care. It was a bumpy road for awhile, but she has settled down, is very happy, and is receiving great care.

Right now I am enjoying living alone for a few months. After more than 30 years living alone, there is nothing like it. I am who I am when I am living alone. It's how I know me, can find me, because it's what I most know. I can listen to myself, know what I need, and be authentic, when I am in this blessed 'space' of being alone. My sister is here half time, which is also awesome (love my sissy!), but as she is back in Vancouver for a stretch, I am revelling in my solo-ness.

My BIG news is that I am in the middle of a major career change: I am a Cruise & Vacation Consultant, with Expedia CruiseShipCenters, in Victoria. Exciting! I'll say more about that in a future post, but you can follow me on Twitter at @cruisetravelbug, and here's my website:
http://www.cruiseshipcenters.com/en-CA/RobertaWestwood/home

Right now I am in the process of recovering from cataract surgery, just had my second eye done. I can see better than I have in my life, since maybe when I was about 12.

I am legal to drive, even though I don't have my new glasses yet (they make you wait, while your brain adjusts to your new eyes!), but have decided that it's an opportunity to get used to riding the bus again. So, until I get my new glasses, I am taking the bus into Victoria, to work, and to visit mom. It was an easier adjustment than I expected, though I should not be surprised. In Vancouver, pre-Europe, I had given up my car about 5 years previously, and transit was just a way of life. Will probably do a mix once I have glasses again, though I am loving the savings and relaxation. For example, today I had a snooze on my way home... can't do that when you're driving!

If you haven't noticed, look at the top of the right hand column of my blog for my new citytravelbug book shops, aka city booklists. This is a germ of an idea I have been working on for awhile. I've got about a dozen cities done already, and many others half-built, putting them alive as I finish each one. Feel free to explore! There is no obligation to buy from me (feel free to shop local or visit your library), but if you care to shop online, please do consider following my links, as I will earn a small commission from each sale. You can also follow my book tweets at @citytravelbooks.

I am sure I have more to say, but that's all that's jumping to mind right now.

Living Small

When I next hang my hat, it will be somewhere simple. Small, lightly furnished, with minimal possessions, mostly memories. Light as a bird. This is what I've dreamed for some time now.

That's why I was so inspired to read "Living With Less, A Lot Less" by Graham Hill, in the New York Times, earlier this week. It's about someone who struggled with a lot more stuff than I ever did, but is now living small. It's an interesting journey he has been on, and he has some interesting perspectives. It's really worth reading if you have a love/hate relationship with your stuff, are concerned about our consumerism, or just want to simplify life.

Right now I am living in my mom's house, keeping it going, now that she is in long-term care. I'll be here for the foreseeable future, so where I next hang my hat isn't top of mind, but it's something I have thought about, in terms of how I want to live.

When I gave up my apartment and gave away almost everything I owned before going to Europe in 2009, I felt so free. And I've had no regrets. I left about 6 purple Rubbermaid totes with everything important to me, and as many more boxes of paperwork and tax records. And that's about it. Since I've been back, some of those totes are still packed, nothing I've really needed. And I picked up a few little gems from my travels that will fill things out, as far as what's meaningful. The rest will come, and will go as easily when I once again travel some day, or move to another city. As I say, that's all pretty far off, but as someone who was burdened by stuff, it feels comfortable.

OK, this was a quick post, I have more to reflect on, on this subject (and I did buy some stuff when I got home that I, of course, wish I didn't really have (though my desk is awesome), so it's all a process... But wanted to share the article while it's fresh in my mind.

Shifting Gears

Once again, I am shifting gears, with my life, and with my blog.

I have been blogging for almost 10 years (I checked, my first post was September 19, 2003), so it has been rather disconcerting to find myself out of the habit of blogging. But here's what I figured happened.

My blog was first a business blog, then a personal/business blog, then a personal/travel blog, then a mostly travel blog, then a personal blog, then a personal/caregiving blog, the latter when I moved to Sidney almost 3 years ago to live with my sweet mom, and ultimately become her caregiver. Largely comfortable with sharing openly in my blog, not really worrying about what what others thought, I found myself on somewhat sensitive ground when blogging out my caregiving experiences because, naturally, they involved sharing stuff about my mom. While I tried to always be respectful, and I do think the caregiving lessons learned were worth sharing with others, it wasn't so comfortable for other members of my family. I didn't even know some of them read it, so that was a nice learning, but I came to look at what I was sharing through their eyes, and could see how they might be sensitive about it. So I eased off, and fell out of the habit. Largely, I think, because I don't segment myself into these different lives.... if I am not blogging about what I am doing in one part of my life, an increasingly larger part of my life, caregiving mom, then there's little context for the rest. Or something like that....

So... an update on a few things, then back to blogging, as I shift gears here. And I am shifting gears.

Mom is doing well, all things considered. She moved into residential care in October, 5 months ago today, actually. There were certainly ups and downs in adjusting, but she seems to be settling in well now, and is happy. The spot where she is has a great music program, with live music several times a week, which really brings out her spark and personality. She also celebrated her 91st birthday last month, and we had a grand little party. Her dementia has worsened quite a bit in the last year, but she knows who I am and is very much on the ball in many ways. She can still walk, but largely gets around in a wheelchair - amazing how she has learned to propel herself around. She lights up when she sees me, or any of her kids or grandchildren, loves the staff (and they love her), and there is always a party around the corner where she is living. She's healthy otherwise, so I anticipate many visits for quite some time to come.

I can say, without a doubt, that putting my mom in residential care was the hardest thing I have ever done. All the while knowing it was the right thing, still it was emotional beyond belief. It's so sudden when the call comes. I have never cried so hard in my life, huge heaving sobs, rocking my soul. It broke my heart. Oh, how I cried. All while being strong for mom, and being there for her, helping her adjust. It was all for the good, and it was time, but how it broke me. I was running on empty and then I was sucked dry. I cried myself dry. Yet there were always more tears...

Caregiving takes a lot out of you, but there is joy in moments together, and satisfaction in helping someone stay in their home as long as possible. Between my sister and I there have been many years devoted to this mission (she did it before I did, then still played a major role), so when either of us is torn about wishing we could have kept mom at home longer, we remind ourselves about how much extra time mom was able to be in her home, and know that we did the best we could, and it made a difference.

I have no regrets about caregiving, but it drained me more than I could have believed. Towards the end (meaning the months while we were on a waiting list for mom to get into residential care), I was simply overwhelmed much of the time. I still managed to work half-time, but fortunately it's a gig that I do remotely, any time of the day or night, so I found enough time for that, and it was important mental stimulation for me. I had fun with mom, of course, and there were caregivers here most of the day (some truly amazing people), and yet it was still exhausting. The hardest thing was sleep, or lack thereof. It left me little energy to face the day, and manage things, without going a little nuts.

I found some journal entries I did on my Blackberry when I made my one only weekend away in a year, with live-in caregivers for mom. It took much arranging, but I made it to an exhibit at the Vancouver Art Gallery, and stayed 2 nights in Vancouver. It was one of those things where it would have taken a week of rest to feel refreshed enough to enjoy the break. But I am still glad I did it. The notes I found were interesting. It seems I fell asleep a couple of times during a film in the art gallery, on buses...

In those entries, I also found a stretch of about a week where I noted every time I was woken up in the night (caregiving mom), how long it took me to get back to sleep, only to be awoken again, and again. Reading those now, it's no wonder I was in a fog, it was rare to ever get a decent stretch of sleep, and REM sleep would have been rare.

I share that because it's context for my own adjustment when mom went into residential care. I'm not sure I would have admitted it at the time, but I think I spent two months in bed. Yes, I was going in to visit mom often, but when I got home, I'd lie down to rest, and would sleep so deeply, that I wouldn't want to get up. It was easier to lie on my back in bed and work on my iPad than to be up and around the house, and the world. It's hard to describe, but it was a combination of deep fatigue, sleep deprivation, depression and just a tired soul, that needed rest, rest, rest. I'm still tired from the whole thing, and living a lot more normally (I get up now, lol).

It's looking back that I see changes in myself, many of them temporary, I'm sure.... but I stopped doodling somewhere along the way, stopped trying to sell my art, stopped reading, stopped writing, stopping taking pictures, stopped walking, stopped blogging, stopped reaching out to friends, stopped even dreaming (my passport ran out!), I just existed.

That sounds a little, 'woe is me', but I don't mean it to be. I chose to be here, and I have no regrets, but it was tough. There are many things I am sure I could have done that would have brought me better health, and helped me better, but anyone who has experienced depression will understand when I say it's not that easy.

I am willing to share the worst of how I was, how I felt, and how I coped (or didn't), because it might help someone. I'm not proud to say I spent 2 months in bed recovering, yet I also don't judge it. One thing I do have going for me is pretty good intuition, so I was able to trust that it wouldn't go on forever, and just let go. Let go and let the magic of healing begin.

These days I am doing waaaaay better. Still not doodling or reading (much), but I am creating space for them.

Work is good. I love my part-time gig with IHateTaxis, and am learning alot. I adore having work that takes me (virtually) around the world, love doing research, am enjoying learning about SEO, enjoy the social media, lots of diversity. I wish it were more, but it's a small operation, and that's the extent of the hours at the moment.

So I am looking for another gig. Maybe a part-time job, or maybe contract work. Lots of feelers out there, but still seeking that next opportunity or two. And, yes, I need the dough, so I'm being flexible. I have a fair hit from no to low-income the past few years to make up for.

I am also working on getting an online presence going again. Some some websites and such. Self-generated ventures of the type I used to dream up and make happen. It's neat to be doing that at a different point in my life, and with new technologies. Lot's a ideas in the hopper.

And getting back to aspects of my life that feed my soul, and new as well.

All 4 now, more soon.....

Image source: stock.xchange

Really random reflections

This is me down by the ocean, half a block from where I live. That's the marina in the wee town of Sidney where I live, in the background. The pathway down to the water is called Memory Lane...

... and this is what it looks like when you get down to the end of the lane. Nice steps down to a big rock. Not so easy to climb down the rocks anymore, but there are many little seaside spots where one can walk on the beach nearby. I should do more trips to the water, as I do love it. My sister (who is here maybe half-time helping me with mom) is really good at getting out to our wee slivers of nature. An inspiration for me..

Now for a picture of my niece who was here to visit her G'ma recently. She and I weant out the day she got here, and it was nice to share a beer in a pub :-)

The big event around here has been mom's birthday... she turned 90 in February! She seems surprised, somehow... and is also really rolling with the punches. She figures now that she is 90 she can do or have pretty well whatever she wants. lol. Wasn't sure what that meant. But I did ask her if she wanted to go skydiving or something... and I got a resounding "NO!!", so I think we're good.

Mom's birthday from my sister was her presence! We laughed about that one... but sissy had timed her arrival to be on the big day, and it was grand.

Mom has been very busy lately, participating in two wonderful day programs each week: Mount Newton Centre (where she gets a bath in a huge fancy tub with jets!) and the Vet's Health Centre at the Lodge at Broadmead the Vet's Health Centre at the Lodge at Broadmead - where she found this book when we went for our preview visit. For a lady who loves books and loves birds, this was a real wow experience!

It's nice to see mom busy, and with so much going on, that she can't remember everything she's done to tell me. These programs started for her in January and February, and her world is so much better now. She is getting great socialization, which she revels in, and exercises, and live music, and time with her contemporaries - along with great care.

I can tell you that it was a l-o-n-g wait wait for these health care services for seniors to kick in. We got help right away after mom's fall last summer in terms of home health care workers, and respite breaks (at Piercy Respite Hotel), but the waits for the other services were sooooo long. August to January is long time to wait if you are elderly... it felt like an eternity to her. Well, it's all good now, she is in.

It was a long haul for me too. Now that she is participating in these programs, I get small stretches of respite a few days a week - which is really helping. I am at my best for her when I am grounded and rested.... I know this. People tell you to take care of yourself. Got it. But it's hard to do when you are sinking and can barely get your head above water. That's what it felt like at times last fall. I do have good support - through the Family Caregivers Support Network, our VIHA Case Worker and Vetrans Affairs - but it's still a process to find balance.

In short, there were some periods last fall that really sucked. Big time. Survived though. Now on the other side. But it does scare you a little: figuring not only that you have a breaking point, but finding out exactly what it is - and what it feels like. Sheesh. Holy shit. Overwhelming. Sinking. All that.... Now that I am on the other side I am grateful, but I am very aware and careful not to go back there again.

So, of course it was hard for mom too: she not only had the long wait for extra services, but I know I wasn't the best I could be for her when I was depressed. And that has to have impacted her. As I learned more through some courses I took on caregiving, and dementia, there are ways to 'protect' her from that, and I do that now. Not to say it was really bad for her, it wasn't, but she'd feel it if I wasn't quite as chipper as usual, or was too tired to take her out for a drive, that kind of thing, mostly. yada yada yada... I think I'll stop trying to explain all that.

Anyways, spring is virtually here!!!

With some good respite, and lots of help from my sister, I'm feeling a lot more human these days.

Now for some random reflections:

• I am reading again. Can't believe I stopped, guess I didn't have the attention span. Plus I have a crackberry, which diverts one...
• Currently reading The Botticelli Secret by Marina Fiorato - set in Florence, in Botticelli's time - very good, though so far a lot of people have been murdered (!)
• Also reading The Stone Boudoir by Theresa Maggio - non-fiction travel writing set in Sicily - I'm loving how it is written... and I seem to be have Sicily on the mind lately... would love to visit
• So... I've been thinking more about future travel.... Not sure where that will be, but it's got me pretty interested in a whole range of things right now, including: Sicily, Crete, Budapest, Croatia, Istanbul... and swooning for some great art museums right here in North America....
• Let's see, what else...
• They renovated a cute wee house behind mom's here into a monstrosity that I am sure will block the sun at some point of the year; she formerly had a very private backyard... now there is a wall of stucco beyond and above her trees; kinda sad, and I'm sure it will reduce the property value... Yuk! But rolling with the punches there too, as they are neighbors mom has had a good relationship with, and there's no sense crying over split milk...
• I spill milk quite often, when feeding the cat, but so far, I haven't cried. Neither has he. hee hee!
• I splurged and got cable and a TV in my bedroom here... can't believe it took me this long... it's very nice to have, but I am equally pleased that I seem to have gotten over any past tv addiction, as I don't seem all that interested...
• I wish my iTouch's battery could go longer than an hour without melting down
• Not really doing my art these days. Still doodling, most days, but the studio collects dust and I am no longer trying to sell stuff. May do so again, but all that fell off the radar when the caregiving amped up this fall.... I am happy to let that be for now, but I might get the Etsy thing going again. Not going to sweat that tho...
• I have pretty well decided that when the next phase of my life comes around, I'll settle in Victoria, rather than returning to Vancouver...
• The sun is shining, the blossoms are out, it snowed for 5 minutes this morning, and there is opera playing...
• And with that, I'll finish up this batch of reflections.

Hoping I might update more often, but we'll see. Happy spring!

Not So Random Reflections

Another picture taken on my birthday in Vancouver: soothing Passion Fruit tea at the corner of Denman and Davie, sitting in a sunbeam...

What a difference a few hours make, or a few days, or just a different lens on the world, or having given my head a few good shakes.... or feeling the effects of taking care of myself...

Today mom is off doing her own thing, leaving me at home, alone, for, what, I think the first time in almost a year - aside of when I've been on a week long respite break. Today, I got four hours, maybe it will extend to five, but it feels like an eternity to one who gets my energy from being alone with no agenda. She should be home anytime now, but I feel so wonderfully restored.

After 30 years or so of living alone, I never would have thought that just four hours to myself could possibly be enough to restore - I would have thought I'd needed at least a day, if not two. But things are different, and I am learning to cherish little breaks. Like sunbeams.

It could be that I had a good base coming into today -- after my decent respite break and mini-vacation in Vancouver last week, or mom's less-than-usual-degree-of-emotional-turmoil return from Piercy Respite Hotel on Monday, or the body work I had done last week, or a change in a medication - who knows... but that base probably helped.

It probably also helped that I was able to see the preciousness of my time today. As much as I wanted to sleep, I resisted the temptation. I put on a pot of coffee and went out to my art studio -- that I've barely set a foot into since mom's fall in the summer - and had my breakfast there, reading an art book, then doing a little collage/doodle art myself. A lovely sunny day here, so it actually got hot being there too long. Then took a relaxing shower, put on some soothing music (Hennie Bekker - haven't listened to that for a long time!), and doodled - and, yes, dozed, a little.

Pleasantly surprised to feel refreshed and restored. I forgot what this feels like. And it feels good.

I'm almost hesistant to say that, I don't want to count my chickens before they are hatched, but, hell, it's worth celebrating! I honestly don't think I have felt this good since last summer. That could be selective memory, but who cares. It feels new, and a relief.

I have work to do today, but intentionally postponed it until after mom is home - so I'd have my me time for me - after all, it's supposed to be respite! I'll dig into that shortly, but wanted to capture this moment, this feeling. To cherish it. To celebrate it. And, yes, to remember it, because there will, I'm sure, be many more moments of feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope or think straight. I think they come with the territory these days. But something about today WORKED. Hallaleujah!

Mom is at a day program at Mount Newton. They pick her up here in the morning, she gets a bus ride with other attendees - then spends 4 hours on site at their facility. They start off with tea/coffee and muffins in a big sunroom, then move to an activity room that feels more like a living room for chair exercises and, if they are lucky, some live music. Lunch is a hot meal cooked from scratch on-site; those that are still capable are invited to take part in the meal preparation. After lunch is a changing program: perhaps a speaker, or games, or something like that. Then back on the bus at around 2:00 and another ride and hopefully some interesting places to see as they drive her group back home. It's a good program: they have a careworker on the bus, as well as a driver who has a care training. I am relaxed knowing that she is in good hands.

Oh, somewhere in there, probably the morning, mom gets her turn in the bath. It's quite a wonderful contraption they have - I can't wait to hear how much she liked the jets - and how happy she will be having had a real bath for the first time in ages. Since her summer fall, she's had just bird baths in bed, and showers during her stays at Piercy, that's it. The little old bathroom here is too small and dangerous for her to use....

[Pause]

Well, my precious cargo has arrived home. Mom is squeaky clean, smiling and chattering on about having had a really good day. And she is looking forward to going back again next week. So, success all around.

Now it's time for me to move onto my work for today, but glad I captured this moment and feeling. With grace, it shall return over and over again.

Library Respite

Tonight is another respite break, and I am at the local library with my sister. She is looking at books, and I am settled into a study nook with my laptop. I originally thought I might work - that's what I did the last time we were here on a similar break - but I feel like I have done enough on that front today, so an opportunity to blog.

After an hour or two, we will go and grab something to eat. This is amusing, as Patti gets a full meal, and I get, well, mush. Might be pasta tonight. One night it was mashed potatoes. Always with some soup. What's a girl to do?

I had dental surgery 8 days ago. I was playing up the 'dental surgery' bit to play a sympathy card, but I really thought it was no big deal. Wrong! I had 2 teeth extracted, and it hurt like hell afterwards. Then, despite being totally "good" (no booze, no red bull, liquids only then soft foods, and all the rinsing stuff...), it got infected. Sigh. So now I have antibiotics on top of the Tylenol 3s. As you might guess, I have been a bit of a zombie, lots of sleep, dozing off at inopportune times, and such. Yesterday I went for the gusto and spent pretty well the entire day sleeping. Made quite a difference. But long from being over the hump.

Interesting, I wrote for a whole 5 or 10 minutes without it being about mom. I'd say that's healthy. So, rather than rock that healthy boat, perhaps I'll not focus there....

I am looking forward to a great respite break later this month when I go to Vancouver and stay at a friend's apartment in the West End while she is away. Heaven.!! I don't care if all I do is sleep.... but I do hope I get out for some nice long walks. Hopefully I can drink by then (!) and can chill and have some good eats. May do nothing, may do something, will make zero plans. This IS my vacation. And boy, do I need it! [A note to my Vancouver friends: I don't expect to use this visit for socializing, so don't be offended.]

So, if I don't talk about mom, and I don't talk about respite, what do I talk about? Aside of dental pain and mushy foods, that is?

Honestly, I can't remember.

Maybe work?

I am doing two things. Can't recall if I have blogged on them before.

One is a short term contract for 4 months. I am a junior member of a 12 person team putting together 70+ elearning modules for a provincial government initiative. Interesting to have a side role, rather than being in the thick of things, but it fits me perfectly at this time. I have committed to the equivalent of 2 days a week as a minimum, and I do more when I can. I can only do this because my sister has come to help with my mom. And I enjoying it more than I thought! I'm am not really a government girl, but with the role I have carved out for myself, its working out fine. And the team is great! Only occasionally get together for face-to-face meetings; we do a daily scrum by phone and Live Meeting and the rest of my work is remote. Although I am not using it directly, I have been exposed to Articulate (I like it), have fallen in love with Dropbox, and am learning the ins and outs of Sharepoint. It's been good for me to dust off some of my skills, and spend time working with current tools. Yada yada yada....

That one is good for my brain, and my pocket book, and making local connections - but I love that it is for a finite period.

My other gig is the one that I am most excited about: since September I have been a travel researcher for IHateTaxis.com. First thing everyone asks is the story of the name, so you can read about it here. I work for the two brothers described in the story. And I LOVE IT! I started out at 10 hours a week, now up to 15 hours a week. And I am loving a steady ongoing gig that I can do anytime of night or day. It fits me like a glove! I also Tweet for them, which I enjoy tremendously. BTW, you can follow us there @ihatetaxis. Lots of cool stuff is in the hopper and it is great to be working on such a small team, as my voice, and my work, makes a difference.

It's funny, it's a way in which I am still traveling, or traveling again, without getting out of my pjs. I have learned so much about so many places by not only updating airport ground transport information, but by researching and writing about layover options. And by tweeting about travel related stuff. I'm a bit of a planespotter, so being hooked into airports is also kind of cool. If I think of places I've "touched" just this week, my 'journeys' have touched on Sicily (Mt. Etna was spewing this week!), Berlin (new airport coming!), Iceland, Dublin.... Other recent places have included Dominican Republic, Rome, Hamburg, Geneva, Hawaii, South Africa, Washington DC, Dallas Fort Worth, Winnipeg (new airport!)... and so much more.

OK, enough for now. bye bye

Grace

This is my favourite picture of my mom. It was taken just a couple of weeks ago, but I can picture her as a teenager. If they'd had phone cameras back then, this could be her goofing around with her girl friends. Yet she is 89, and somehow this shot takes decades off her face. I love her pure joy, and it feels very special to have captured this moment together.

Her name is Jeannie, not Grace, but it is her aging with grace (among other things) that inspired the name for this post.

I don't write a lot about her aging, or what it is like living here and supporting her at this stage of her life, but I think I shall begin. It is, after all, the biggest thing in my life. Haven't said a lot prior to this - aside of posting a few pics and adventures - as it is of the utmost importance to me to respect her privacy, and to respect the privacy of my siblings. But I feel pulled these days to record some of what I feel and notice, as I know it might help others. And I do need to process it. So, I shall, to a degree, share some of that here. Being careful, being respectful, while still being honest. Sharing with grace, I suppose.

A week ago we began a new phase of things: mom has a morning worker come in to give her a sponge bath in bed, dress her for the day, and make her breakfast. The bathroom here, while sized appropriately for her cute little house, is just too awkward to continue using for bathing for an elderly person, even with assistance. Hence the sponge bath in bed.

And my how she has taken to it! Rather that resist or be annoyed at a string of strangers coming in to perform the most personal of tasks, she is accepting it all with grace. And then some. She considers it all a luxury and she truly is luxuriating in it. We call it her morning spa treatment.

What a joy it is to witness her responding like this. I'm not at all surprised, but still I am delighted.

It's also a break for me. Not that there is all that much to do for mom, but as time goes on, and she becomes a little more unsteady on her feet, the attention and care she needs becomes more steady (hmmmm.... unsteady = steady care, interesting). No task in itself is too much, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her, but the cumulative effect does chip away at one's (mine) energy. And if I get depleted, then I'm not going to be as good with her, and we'd both 'suffer'. I don't mean heavy suffering, but if/when we become strained in the process, it has the potential to change things from aging with grace to enduring. No one wants that.

I knew these things when I moved here 15 months ago, or at least I had a sense. But I suppose no one really knows until you're there.

When the spa days began, I was aware that she needed the extra care, but I wasn't really aware that I needed those breaks yet. But I did. I do. What an incredible difference it has made already. Something as simple as I am blogging now first thing in the morning. Just having some quiet mental space to start my day. Having lived alone for 30+ years it's something I am more than used to. I had adapted, somewhat, but now that I have this time with ease back I can already feel myself responding. I am more present with mom, and I am more present in general.

So I guess I was ready for things to shift. And I guess she was too.

The health care workers love her! I'm not surprised. My mom is such a sweet and interesting person. And she is totally rolling with the punches with each new person comes in. So far, no repeats. And so far, no men (!). We were told to expect a real variety for the first few weeks as we fit into the provider's schedule, and were warned that we might get a few men. She has accepted that possibility just fine, but of course we've put in a request for women ongoing. And I gather the men are in big demand, so I doubt we'll actually see them. But you never know.

We are having fun trying to remember all the ladies names, and a bit about them. Each time we get a new person, we remark that we like them and want them again. So they have been scoring big points with her. And, by extension, me. I admit it has been nice to see how so many different personalities can all perform the same tasks and still make mom feel happy: gentle, bubbly, no-nonsense, take charge, serene, joker, nurturer.... she connects with them all. Will be interesting to see who we get as ongoing caregivers, but at least I know she's going to be fine, no matter what.

Grace.

Mom is accepting aging with grace. She is accepting care with grace. She accepts me in her home with grace. She is accepting help from a wonderful neighbor with grace. She more than accepts the arrival of any of her flock with grace. She accepts her fleeting memory with grace. She has learned to. What else can she do?

And she has kept her playful spirit! If anything, it has really come out to play!

Evident when we go hunting for Grace.

One day when we were out for a drive, rather than go afar, we started exploring all the little streets that go down to the ocean here. Re-exploring for her, of course, she has lived here so long. But new to me. We were having a grand time when we came to a little road that goes out to a spit of land with about a dozen homes on it. I believe it is a public road, but as the only purpose of it is to go to these homes (there is no parking aside of a couple of visitor spots in the complex), I know that you're really not supposed to drive there. People walk out there all the time, and I used to go there with mom when she was mobile, but only on foot. But I knew she'd like to see it again. So I just drove out there, saying all the while that if we were asked what we were doing there we'd say we were looking for a friend's place. This led to further concocting a story and, out of thin air, I plucked "Grace" as the friend's name. No one asked us what we were doing, of course (I didn't really think they would), but it just added some fun. We, of course, carried looking for Grace as we poked around other streets.... it was a great lot of fun.

And now it's a bit of a theme. When we haven't been out for a drive for awhile, mom will say, "Let's go look for Grace!" Or if I just end up somewhere new, I say, "I wonder if Grace lives around here?"

Then, more recently, when we were talking about the recent changes in her life, and I complimented her on how she is aging with grace, we both stopped, looked at each other, and simultaneously yelled, "Grace!!" And laughed. With recognition that maybe that was the grace we were looking for.

So, we've had lots of fun with the grace theme, and it's actually provided a nice opening to all sorts of dialogue. And I know that grace has also been a theme for my life over the past 15 months.

Grace: we've found her, yet we will continue seeking. It's a journey we are on together.

Reflections: Looking Back on My Europe Trip - almost 2 years later

This rock sits on my windowsill. I picked it up from the beach in Rhodes, Greece when I made my first trip there. It is just one reminder I have of the 7 months I spent travelling Europe in 2009/2010.

Two years ago today, I was counting down the days to my departure, and wrote this More Toes Than Days To Go blogpost 9 days before my departure. I was clearing out my apartment, making final preparations and trying, unsuccessfully, to contain my excitement.

These days that trip is still with me and the memories are as sharp as if I was still there. I can feel atmosphere of Berlin or Barcelona if I just close my eyes. Heck, I can even do that with my eyes open. Barcelona, Aix-en-Provence, Paris, Rome, Florence, Venice, Berlin, Rhodes, Athens, Madrid, La Alberca... so close I can almost touch them. Yet that world feels so far away from where I am today: living in sleeping little Sidney, BC, Canada with my sweet 89 year old mom and an adorable cat.

One of the things that keeps the memories alive is the little things I have around me from my trip. Perhaps the most prominent of those is this little orange leather purse that I got in Florence. I have used it every days since I bought it and still get compliments on it. In addition to its lovely colour, it's neat as it holds a whole bunch of stuff, while still being quite a tiny purse. In fact, I could have this view today, aside of the ground: I still wear that top, and still wear those adorable little sneakers that I bought one hot July day in Barcelona.

It's the little things that provide those memories. That rock on my windowsill, my purse, the loofa sponge I bought from a seaside vendor during my first trip to the old town of Rhodes. It makes me smile each time I shower (and I'm impressed that it's only just now starting to show a bit of wear - I'll probably still be using it for years to come). And my big, sloppy, comfy grey zip-up sweatshirt that I bought when I returned to Barcelona in January when it was cccccold (was staying in a place with no heat, common there, as it doesn't usually get that cold) - I wear it around the house practically every day, though the zipper is long broken. These are my everyday touchstones.

Those touchstones are pure magic, as they have the power to take me back, to connect now to then, and keep all I learned about myself on my trip front of mind.

It's important, as sometimes I feel very far from travel, the wide stretches of open time, the freedom, the learning, the beauty....

Don't get me wrong. I am very happy to be where I am right now, doing what I'm doing, 'tis meant to be. But I still feel that travel itch, and ponder where I'll go when I go mobile again.

And it's not that I haven't travelled at all since then. Since I have been back I've had a great trip to New York City for 3 weeks, an Alaskan cruise, a week in Mexico (Peurto Vallarta), a few days in Tofino and almost 3 weeks in Palm Springs (dog sitting!). Funny, these days, I even time spent in Vancouver is a "trip", lol.

About that pondering for future travel. I think it would be helpful for me to settle on at least one destination for my next big trip, so I can spend lots of time studying up, planning, dreaming.... So far I have a bunch of ideas, and some very probables, but that's all. Croatia and Turkey are of most interest to me at the moment, but not sure. I think there's a reason for all that, I'm not meant to get that clear yet, so I'm going with it. For now.

But I also know what it does to me when I know my next destination... Even if I don't know when, I look forward to that feeling when I start to settle on where....

Sure glad I picked up and took off those two years ago. It was a trip that shapes my life (I can't imagine me without it). Gratitude. I am overflowing with gratitude for all that came together in my life to make that trip possible.

Now I am curious again.....

Spring is Here?

Well spring may be very slow coming here, but that hasn't stopped us from getting out when the sun does shine. Here's mom enjoying coffee on the fab deck my brother and crew built last fall. My, how mom loves the sun!
Celebrating a nice visit from Kat - my niece and mom's granddaughter - and her beau Jono. Nice to see Kat enjoying the deck that she worked so hard on with her dad. Kat graduates in less than a month from her accounting program, and already has a job landed for fall. You are looking at a future CA!

Had great fun yesterday. It was mom's turn to decide where we'd go for a drive, and she remembered a sweet cafe/bookstore in James Bay she used to go to, and we managed to find our way back there solely based on her recollections and directions. Yeah! We had great sandwiches, coffees and treats - and picked up a few books. I love helping her figuring these little jaunts out then making her ideas come to fruition.

Victoria has one of the longest running Victoria Day parades in the country (where we celebrate Queen Victoria's birthday), and biggest. Despite the fact that it started at 9am (!), we bundled ourselves up and got there. There were a LOT of marching bands, which mom particularly enjoyed, as she used to be a trombone player in such a band as a young woman.

Smiles after the parade.....

A recent special treat: dinner out at Theo's in Sidney. Big smiles from both of us for yummy Greek food!

We stopped by Fisherman's Wharf in Victoria a few weeks back, and I was dispensed down to the dock to get fish and chips for our lunch. While I was waiting I hung out with the seals.

Oh, what a cutie~

Imagine my surprise last week when I came home to find this in our driveway!!!!! WTF? I'll leave you to guess for a minute, and will tell the story at the end of this blog post. Hmmm......

Seriously odd tree in the 'hood here...

We live about a block from the ocean here and were surprised to find out cat Maui hanging out there when we went for a walk recently. OK, he might have followed us. But he prowls this little street and hood like a pro. Anyways, here he is enjoying mom's favourite view at the end of "Memory Lane". It was adorable watching him shadow us on the way home afterwards.

Surveying the garden from atop his new-to-us scratching post out on the deck. He doesn't sit up on here all that often, but he sure loves to scratch and bat the toys around...

Seriously cuteness overload!!!!!!

Life has been surprisingly busy lately, mostly as it relates to marketing my art - see updates on my beepdoodles blog.

OK, the trampoline story: one of the neighbors here had bought it for his daughter for a birthday present. So they asked mom if they could assemble and leave it in our driveway - and kept her home and occupied sometime so she wouldn't bike up the street. Then, after she went to bed, they came over and got it to create a backyard surprise for the next morning. Amusing. And all the other neighborhood kids were crazy with excitement and intrigue.... lol

Reflections on 2 years

First, a few photos taken on a recent trip to Vancouver:

Today, May 1st, is an anniversary of sorts. I have lived here in Sidney for a year. I arrived by ferry from Vancouver a year ago yesterday, April 30th. A full year before that, on April 30, 2009, I worked my last day at my corporate job. So much has happened in those two years, so much of it not what I would have imagined, but it's all good, life is a journey...

Some random reflections at this point:

• I never would have dreamed that I would be blogging from my art studio. Art was just a random thing then, I doodled a lot, and wanted to explore where it would take me, but it's very much taken on a life beyond what I had been doing then....


• I have my first art show this month. No. That's not quite right. I am showing my art TWICE this month.


• I have a cat, now there is a surprise.


• While I have done occassional contract work, I have not had a "job" for 2 whole years. Wow!

Gee, thought I was going to sit down and write some long and brilliant post, yet, my fingers have stilled on the keyboard. So, will post these random thoughts, and say more another time.

Oh, I do try to udpate my beepdoodles blog more frequently these days, and that's where you can see what kind of art I am doing, where I am selling and showing stuff, etc etc.

It's a new year: random pics and reflections from Sidney

So, it is a new year, and about time I posted something!
In addition to the year, what's new is that Maui the cat has finally moved in. He has adopted us, so to speak. His true owner is fine with this, as long as he is happy. I guess Maui is too free of a spirit to share a house with three other cats. And he does have it made here.... this is him when he crawls up on my chest for a chin scratch session.

Same position, differnent view. This is before his recent scuffle with some unknown creature that left a scratch on his nose (healing now). BTW, his real name is actually Meowee.... he was name that after his barely audible meow after she rescued him as a stray.

It's winter, so I am tucked in doing my light therapy (for SAD). I am cozied up here in the slippers I bought in Barcelona last January when I was staying in a flat with no heat (it doesn't usually get cold enough there for all homes to have heat, though it was cold at that time!).

Another current activity involves feeding the birds that congregate in our backyard. This was me preparing little thingees of suet to hang in the trees. They also get birdseed.... though the squirrels eat as much as the birds. No worries, as squirrels need food too :-)

This picture gives you a sense of how blustery it can get here in Sidney. This was taken down on Lockside drive (where they have finally finished the roadside parking/walking/beach access improvements, thank goodness!).... mom and I were sitting in the car watching the waves and birds and boats (she loves doing that), when these people pulled up and started hamming around taking pictures. The guy wasn't really going to blow over, but someone more slightly built might have. At our house, when the sea winds really get going, you can feel it in the yard, the wind, the ocean aromas, the misty, sometimes the fog. We are only a half a block from the ocean, a fact that the the ocean reminds us of during stormy weather.

Having said that, it doesn't get too cold or snowy here. Only two bouts of snow so far, and they disappeared in a day or two. But enough to have everyone hoping nothing like the storm of about 15 years ago, when there was a foot or two.

Now for some random reflections and thoughts on what I have been up to:

• I can't believe I haven't posted since December
• That may be a sign that there isn't really much going on in my life... or maybe a sign that there is a lot going on right now... heh heh
• Right now I am in the sunroom and I hear what sound like squirrels on the roof (either that, or mice in the ceiling - I am hoping it is the former, though we do have a good resident mouser now)
• Christmas was a quiet affair here, just me and my mom, which she appreciated, as it was calm and free of fuss; a neighbor puts up coloured lights on the tree outside mom's front door, so that was our decoration - we loved looking out at them
• New Year's Eve was a little less quiet, so to speak, as we engaged in our family tradition of banging pots and pans outside at midnight, and yelling "Happy New Year!" at the top of one's lungs.... amusing here as there was only one other neighbor doing the same, and so different for me from when I used to do the same in downtown Vancouver - here your neighbors can recognize your voice!
• Reminds me that the previous year I had celebrated New Year's in Athens - fond memories; also spent Christmas in Athens that season - there are some interesting pics if you care to follow the links
• Let's see, what else.....
• I almost cut my hair.... that brings memories of a Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young song... and the time when I was in Europe and cut my hair myself; this time I managed to stop at just getting rid of some annoying long locks at the back of my head (though, amusingly, just as in Rhodes, I did it before morning coffee and without a mirror, lol)
• Exciting times her, as mom just got her new lift chair... it is a lovely light green - and she has a comfy new spot by the fire, with a view out the front window, books stacked at her side, and her toes by the fire
• Oh, soon I will post something about art clocks, a wee project that emerged from a craigslist posting and a whim..... start guessing, or check out what I've said on twitter - I am @citytravelbug)

OK, that's all for now, or at least all the news that's fit to print!