Landed

Not even crash landed, but close. The chaos continued to the end. "Just cleaning" and loose ends turned into an all-day affair, with me barely functioning. As I thought I wasn't needed - aside of picking up my sister and a few last things (we had cleaners for the big chores) - my body went into exhausted relaxation and pain Sunday night, finally letting go. We both (my body and I) got quite the shock when I learned I was needed at the house early Monday afterall... and instead of being done noon-ish, it went on until late afternoon. I think I would have been ok if I hadn't prematurely let myself feel the relief of letting go, but as it was, I was in agony. It was also a hot day, up to 24c I gather. At one point I thought I was going to pass out. With no furniture left, I retreated to the rather unpleasant garage to sit on a stair. Later in the day, I had a couple naps in the car (parked in the shade). It was an odd day, as I was needed, but also needed to keep out of the way, as my sister was directing the cleaners, and wanted to go through and pack the remaining things herself. Maybe it was harder to ok at half-pace than full tilt... Anyways, the day was a pseudo form of torture... I just wanted to throw the last things in the car, trash the rest, and just go! It's exceedingly hard to force oneself to be patient and forgiving when impatience is surging in one's veins.
While I stayed there for 6 years, my mom's home had been my sister's second home for much longer than that, and at one point there was a thought of her staying there, so it was a much bigger deal or her to leave than me. She'd also found a cool cleaner who finished with a smudging ceremony, which can't be rushed.
Anyways, barely survived, and drove away with an overfilled car, even leaving a couple things with neighbors. Gack.
But it is done.
A nice sense of closure was still there, despite my exhaustion.
Oh, and the dumpster bin was overloaded!
And today began a new phase in my life. Hmmm.

Robins, hummingbirds and moving on...

The end is near. Today the last load of straggler boxes and random stuff will get moved over, thanks to a generous neighbor. That's not the only neighbor gesture today... two are coming to disconnect appliances and haul them into our dumpster bin, along with yard stuff (part of our sale criteria).  A late ah-ha was that although the house wull be orn down, we still need to clean it. So cleaner in the morning.
Anyways, thse are the surface things.
What's important are the special moments over the past few days:
My sister, brother and I hanging out Friday, sorting, laughing, storytelling, remembering and goofing around. At one point, the big coloured dots used to organize boxes ended up on our foreheads. After the joke was done, I noticed we still all wore them for an hour or two, each in our own way, holding ono the moment, cherishing the connection.
Just being in the house ~ really so cute ~ listening to the birds, enjoying the trees, feeling mom's energy.
Enjoying the back deck my brother built with cedar from his own sawmill up the coast, sharing memories of how much mom loved it. She and I sat there many nights, drinking hot chocolate under the stars...
My sister and I watching the wee hummingbird yesterday, sitting in her nest just outside oupr front door. So tiny, so precious, so hidden, so still, so miraculous, amazing.... We will leave a note for the new owners... hopefully they can keep the tree safe until they are done with the nest.

Singing to the robin that keeps visiting, like mom would when we were kids, "Robin, Robin red breast".., which she also sang to me (Robin aka Roberta). I kerp feeling mom's presence when rhe robin is around.
Ok, time to get out the door...

Moving day #2

 

That's right, a 2nd moving day. We weren't ready to move everything this time last week. O we are at it again. And, still, there are things not packed yet. I so do not want to end up moving carloads after today, so about to go over and go crazy trying to pack what's left.
I have to respect my sister: she is so committed to preserving family history that she is taking many boxes of family photos, letters, papers, and so on, to continue to sort and cull and divy up. Similarly with my brother. It's an immense task, and in reality cannot be rushed. Lots has been trimmed, but much remains. I am not sentimental, so don't have the same connection. I have also done so much therapy around family that I don't need things to anchor me. I have a few, of course, but they'd fit in a box.
It would be easy for me to be impatient, and be frustrated with all the stuff, but what's the point?
Granted, I will be somewhat surrounded, as my sister will be staying with me for some time... but what will be will be.
I am respectful of the history of families, and am grateful for the archivists of times past. So can understand much of it.
And so it is that the girl who downsized to a dozen boxes 7 years ago is now moving multiple truckloads of stuff. Trying to stay detached and not get overwhelmed.
Ok, enough rambling. Time to get over to the house to ready as much as I can for today's truck!

Chaos and the art of moving

A favourite moment from Paris
(I began looking at my "big trip" photos today, after about 5 years)

I have been trying hard to blog daily for this month, encouraged in part by the 30 day challenge I am participating in, but I can't say it's not a stretch. It was only coincidence that this coincided with the month of the biggest most chaotic move of my life. But perhaps that is the beauty in it.

Yesterday, did the big move, although the smaller secondary move next week will turn out to be as big as the first. That's partly giving up on being entirely ready -- I fought hard against it, then wept, then surrendered -- and partly because there is so much involved. So much stuff, so many moving parts, so many old family memories to sort through, so many other people involved, so much pure junk, and so on. Not complaining (not really), just a little stunned (and aghast) to be involved in such a chaotic move that has become so overwhelming.

Yet, today is an oasis of calm for me. I am here at my new place - the same place I have been for 3 months (though initially just with a bed) - surrounded by furniture and boxes. My sister is back at mom's house, surrounded by the leftovers and the true remaining chaos (I do feel for her on that front!), while I am here, sorting out from yesterday. And this is the part of moving I enjoy.

What? I enjoy the aching muscles and total exhaustion? No, of course not, but I slotted today in as a transition day, to make order of the arriving chaos (which is actually pretty orderly at this point), and to recover. I must have had 3 or 4 long naps today, interspersed with moving things around, cleaning (furniture was moved with the old dust!), and getting my head around the best way to organize things.

I love this part, perhaps even more so, as it is my first place in almost 7 years, and it feels so good to have my own space, and to be able to put my stamp on it, organize it how I want it, enjoy the puttering and creativity that comes with the sorting and setting up. Literally, putting my house in order.

And, no, I did not unpack today. In my opinion, people are obsessed with unpacking. Me, today I needed rest (it has been hell), as I work tomorrow (my only day in about 3 weeks), so need to be awake and together for that. And there is more hell challenging moving to come until the end of the month until the move is complete, and the house turned over. Also, my sister will be moving in with me for the foreseeable future, so this is my 1 day alone here, just to be. So it has been, and is, golden.

There will be plenty of time for unpacking later. For now, just the opportunity to sit at my own beautiful desk for the first time in years (it got lost in the chaos of the house), situated just where I want it, looking out my own window, with flowers on my desk, looking out the sliding glass doors, and listening to the last few birds of the day chirping... all this is bliss.

Now if only I'd thought ahead to make sure I had a bottle of wine!

Lost in a loss of control

Holding on by a thread this morning.

So much pressure on me to get us moved from my mom's house, but everywhere I turn to do something I can't. Stuff that is still undecided. Stuff that is being re-decided. Stuff that needs something done to it first. The decisions aren't mine, but the burden is.

I've made things "easy" for myself by not having an attachment to stuff, but it also leaves without a voice, or a way to move things forward. Packing up a house with a fragile soul is no easy journey. I actually have no problem speaking up for myself, but in this circumstance, doing so works against me. But it is sooooooo draining. It sucks my energy.

I thought I'd been doing ok, but yesterday it got to me. My frustration spilled over at the rather-dense MacDonald's drive through guy this morning, my reaction to his stupidity (he couldn't figure out the difference between oatmeal/porridge and oatmeal cookies, hilarious if i wasn't being such a bitch).

A big eyeopener for me, as it's been years since I left carnage on the souls of the poor folk who came into contact with me when I had unresolved issues bubbling below the surface (pre-therapy days, oh how obvious it is in retrospect to see that something was wrong).

 I have to apologize to that MacDonald's guy next time I drive through.

And I have to have an outlet for my frustrations before I melt down. One wrong word from me here, and that would upset the applecart to the point of an applesauce catastrophe. Ha ha.

I was near tears when I arrived here this morning, but writing has done it's trick. I have perspective. I've gotten it out. Now I'll be able to cope without my emotions spilling over.

I may still be craving for this to be over, but it's ok. Somehow it's ok.

Perspective

Deep in the sorting, purging, packing process at my mom's house. Stuck in the garage and a musty old back room, surrounded by old papers, mystery boxes, useless crap... and important gems. It's a process, with lots of time to reflect and process a lifetime of memories, joys, losses, deep pain, sadness, and regrets. Putting things to rest, letting go, moving on. Interesting to find what saddens me anew, and what no longer has a hold on me.

 Back to the work, and the joys of flinging stuff into the huge bin in the driveway, each crash surprisingly satisfying.

more showing up

write, just write. that's the thing to do when you want to write, but nothing comes to mind. ok.

I pause to reflect, and I almost fall asleep.

I see the face of someone experiencing great loss.

I see images from a dream last night - one with great red cabinets in a (my?) bedroom.

I crave images of a beach, to hear waves, to have nothing to do for a week or 2 or a month. maybe I will soon.

Right now, I should be at the house. Packing, purging, organizing, taking charge, getting stuff done, creating light at the end of the tunnel. And I will be soon, As soon as I get this off, I will be off. But so many aspects  of the chore are daunting. Not the task itself, but there is so much baggage, of the emotional type. One can try to put it aside, but then stuff crops up, from seeing something, from touching something, from others helping.

I have been enjoying the bliss of having a long time to get out of the house, but now is the time to act. We have plenty of time, but I want to move in such away that we have ample time and are not pressured as the last day draws near, not panicking with loose ends. And, to do that, I need to make a big dent today. I want to make a big dent today.

Onward!

new digs

 

I wonder if the folks who invented stand-up desks ever pictured one atop a fridge? Well, that's where I am right now, as it's about the only place to put a laptop in my new digs. Except my bed, which has been a combination office, reading zone, sleeping zone, eating zone for the past week. It's a small apartment fridge, so not too high (about 5'5"?), about chin height for me. A bit high, but a good stretch on the calves standing here, and a welcome change from the horizontal.

 

Yes, I have moved, and I have my own place for the first time in almost 7 years. There's been lots of good in those years, and I chose it all, but I sure have missed the simple bliss of my own place. When I'd left my last apartment, giving away almost all I owned, and taking off to Europe for a year or so, I had been living alone for most of the previous 30 years, so it's how I know myself best.

 

I drew the above a couple weeks ago when I learned I got my new place, and I picked up the keys a week ago. Yesterday, I got wifi - yeah! Otherwise, I have my new-to-me king-size bed (bought after spending 1 night on an air mattress (and the realization that I am not 37 anymore!). I've bought a few things over from the house, but will probably camp out here until we do the big move, or 2, as we whittle down what's left in mom's house. It's sold, and we have a couple of months to transition.