Landed

Not even crash landed, but close. The chaos continued to the end. "Just cleaning" and loose ends turned into an all-day affair, with me barely functioning. As I thought I wasn't needed - aside of picking up my sister and a few last things (we had cleaners for the big chores) - my body went into exhausted relaxation and pain Sunday night, finally letting go. We both (my body and I) got quite the shock when I learned I was needed at the house early Monday afterall... and instead of being done noon-ish, it went on until late afternoon. I think I would have been ok if I hadn't prematurely let myself feel the relief of letting go, but as it was, I was in agony. It was also a hot day, up to 24c I gather. At one point I thought I was going to pass out. With no furniture left, I retreated to the rather unpleasant garage to sit on a stair. Later in the day, I had a couple naps in the car (parked in the shade). It was an odd day, as I was needed, but also needed to keep out of the way, as my sister was directing the cleaners, and wanted to go through and pack the remaining things herself. Maybe it was harder to ok at half-pace than full tilt... Anyways, the day was a pseudo form of torture... I just wanted to throw the last things in the car, trash the rest, and just go! It's exceedingly hard to force oneself to be patient and forgiving when impatience is surging in one's veins.
While I stayed there for 6 years, my mom's home had been my sister's second home for much longer than that, and at one point there was a thought of her staying there, so it was a much bigger deal or her to leave than me. She'd also found a cool cleaner who finished with a smudging ceremony, which can't be rushed.
Anyways, barely survived, and drove away with an overfilled car, even leaving a couple things with neighbors. Gack.
But it is done.
A nice sense of closure was still there, despite my exhaustion.
Oh, and the dumpster bin was overloaded!
And today began a new phase in my life. Hmmm.

new digs

 

I wonder if the folks who invented stand-up desks ever pictured one atop a fridge? Well, that's where I am right now, as it's about the only place to put a laptop in my new digs. Except my bed, which has been a combination office, reading zone, sleeping zone, eating zone for the past week. It's a small apartment fridge, so not too high (about 5'5"?), about chin height for me. A bit high, but a good stretch on the calves standing here, and a welcome change from the horizontal.

 

Yes, I have moved, and I have my own place for the first time in almost 7 years. There's been lots of good in those years, and I chose it all, but I sure have missed the simple bliss of my own place. When I'd left my last apartment, giving away almost all I owned, and taking off to Europe for a year or so, I had been living alone for most of the previous 30 years, so it's how I know myself best.

 

I drew the above a couple weeks ago when I learned I got my new place, and I picked up the keys a week ago. Yesterday, I got wifi - yeah! Otherwise, I have my new-to-me king-size bed (bought after spending 1 night on an air mattress (and the realization that I am not 37 anymore!). I've bought a few things over from the house, but will probably camp out here until we do the big move, or 2, as we whittle down what's left in mom's house. It's sold, and we have a couple of months to transition.



Reflections on this day

It would be easy to be sad today, but I am trying to lean on optimism, memories and hope to move me forward.

A year ago on Christmas Day, I visited my sweet mom in her care home. Oh, what joy she felt seeing me, and my niece! We sat having tea, eating treats, her opening a few gifts, but mostly singing and laughing at the antlers we took turns wearing. It was such a special moment that I hold close in my heart. The strength of her squeeze of my hands helped me feel our connection over the years, the bond strong and true. Gazing into her eyes, hugs, kisses, our foreheads touching, love, love love...

She caught us all by surprise when she passed away on New Year's Eve. Oh, mom! I miss you every day. It has been a very tough year, but your spirit and love are giving me the strength to move forward. I am looking forward to the days ahead, curled up in front of your hearth, remembering you, and celebrating your life in my own way. I am so appreciate of the recent years we spent together... what fun we had! You filled me up with love, and it's all still there. You aren't so far away when I pause like this.  Thank you for everything.

My thanks to all the nurses and health care workers who were so generous and kind to my mom, and are doing the same for others at this time.

Blog reinvention, again

From my windowsill in Berlin

I feel I have reinvented my blog so many times. Yet it is time, once again.

For the past 5 years, my blog has been off and on, while I changed the focus of my life: family and caregiving took centre stage. So many other things faded into the background, not just in what I blogged about, but in practically everything I did, thought and felt.

Now, as I am coping with two significant losses, I am starting to shift my focus again. Grief has its own timetable, of course, and who knows what lessons it still has in store for me, but action has always helped me deal with depression.

My most recent change in my work situation is a refreshing and well-suited to me, and I am so grateful for the opportunity.

It's funny, I might have thought upon my return from Europe that I might like a career in travel, and here I find myself working as a travel agent.

I never dreamed when I left Vancouver that I would not return, I am living in a small town that I am surprised to find actually suits me.

I also couldn't have imagined that my blog would go silent for long stretches, but that's life.

And here I am at a crossroads again. There are new paths to choose, A new me to discover.

Reflections on a cat

This little boy, Maui, also known as Meowy, has become very central to my life. I had been somewhat unaware of just how completely he had been moving into my heart until recently. Knew I loved him, but didn't know I really, really loved him. Love him. He's still here. But I am counting my blessings.

The sweet dear has pancreatitis, and has been to the vet twice in the last couple of weeks, when he was not eating at all, amongst other symptoms. Including today. I am not sure how much he liked having an IV (though I imagine NOT!), but it was needed. I feel so lucky to have such an awesome vet. He is home now, and exploring again. Eating comes next.

I am holding off on being a basket case, but my heart is getting a run for it's money lately.
I remarked the other day to a friend and colleague, that I don't know when I became such bleeding heart... but it seems I left my crusty old self in Europe (not a bad thing).

Once again, I want to blog more, but have no inclination to summarize my life since I last blogged.

Maybe I just start.

Happy to have my cat home safe and sound. x x0 x 0

Living Small

When I next hang my hat, it will be somewhere simple. Small, lightly furnished, with minimal possessions, mostly memories. Light as a bird. This is what I've dreamed for some time now.

That's why I was so inspired to read "Living With Less, A Lot Less" by Graham Hill, in the New York Times, earlier this week. It's about someone who struggled with a lot more stuff than I ever did, but is now living small. It's an interesting journey he has been on, and he has some interesting perspectives. It's really worth reading if you have a love/hate relationship with your stuff, are concerned about our consumerism, or just want to simplify life.

Right now I am living in my mom's house, keeping it going, now that she is in long-term care. I'll be here for the foreseeable future, so where I next hang my hat isn't top of mind, but it's something I have thought about, in terms of how I want to live.

When I gave up my apartment and gave away almost everything I owned before going to Europe in 2009, I felt so free. And I've had no regrets. I left about 6 purple Rubbermaid totes with everything important to me, and as many more boxes of paperwork and tax records. And that's about it. Since I've been back, some of those totes are still packed, nothing I've really needed. And I picked up a few little gems from my travels that will fill things out, as far as what's meaningful. The rest will come, and will go as easily when I once again travel some day, or move to another city. As I say, that's all pretty far off, but as someone who was burdened by stuff, it feels comfortable.

OK, this was a quick post, I have more to reflect on, on this subject (and I did buy some stuff when I got home that I, of course, wish I didn't really have (though my desk is awesome), so it's all a process... But wanted to share the article while it's fresh in my mind.

Reflections on One Year

Took this pic in Feb, and it's what my feet will be doing tomorrow

Tomorrow is April 30th. I'll mark the day by moving from Vancouver to Sidney (near Victoria) to live my mom (she's 88, living on her own, is a real sweetie, and I can't wait to just hang out).

Last year on April 30th, I was working my last day at my old job and here is what I wrote.

In between I had:
One heck of a year
One awesome trip to Europe
One cool birthday celebrated in Paris
One added to my big five-o age
One heart full of memories

Evidenced by:
One great mountain of doodles
One hundred and fifteen blog posts
One hard drive filled with pics
One big bushel of insights
One face devoid of stress lines

It's still one great live to live.

Easing Back Into Things?

First, to put a smile on your face, check out this cool rendition of Stand by Me on YouTube forwarded to me by one of my new Spanish friends. Just one of the ways my time at Pueblo Ingles is continuing to play a part if my life. The only thing that is killing me is that they are having gatherings in Madrid that I can't attend. Oh well, I have friends for life, and will be back one day. I hope.

I have now been home exactly 1 week. I'd planned to ease back into things upon my return, but on top of two job interviews this week, I have done 2.5 days contract work, and will be back at it Monday. Veeeerrry interesting! I am off to Victoria for the weekend to visit my mom - and celebrate her 88th birthday. I hope she will enjoy the decadent macaroons I bought at the Paris airport.

I had never heard of Laduree before, and thought the Laduree shop I saw in the airport it was a bath shop, but oooh la la, the sweets!!! But after my birthday celebration, I knew what a good French macaroon was! I spent a small fortune on treats, but had to burn those last few Euros... Oh. It wasn't my imagination, they do sell bath stuff too. Here's their full corporate site. If you ever fly through Charles de Gaulle airport, hope that you get to go through terminal 2F where the shop lives just past security.