Really random reflections

This is me down by the ocean, half a block from where I live. That's the marina in the wee town of Sidney where I live, in the background. The pathway down to the water is called Memory Lane...

... and this is what it looks like when you get down to the end of the lane. Nice steps down to a big rock. Not so easy to climb down the rocks anymore, but there are many little seaside spots where one can walk on the beach nearby. I should do more trips to the water, as I do love it. My sister (who is here maybe half-time helping me with mom) is really good at getting out to our wee slivers of nature. An inspiration for me..

Now for a picture of my niece who was here to visit her G'ma recently. She and I weant out the day she got here, and it was nice to share a beer in a pub :-)

The big event around here has been mom's birthday... she turned 90 in February! She seems surprised, somehow... and is also really rolling with the punches. She figures now that she is 90 she can do or have pretty well whatever she wants. lol. Wasn't sure what that meant. But I did ask her if she wanted to go skydiving or something... and I got a resounding "NO!!", so I think we're good.

Mom's birthday from my sister was her presence! We laughed about that one... but sissy had timed her arrival to be on the big day, and it was grand.

Mom has been very busy lately, participating in two wonderful day programs each week: Mount Newton Centre (where she gets a bath in a huge fancy tub with jets!) and the Vet's Health Centre at the Lodge at Broadmead the Vet's Health Centre at the Lodge at Broadmead - where she found this book when we went for our preview visit. For a lady who loves books and loves birds, this was a real wow experience!

It's nice to see mom busy, and with so much going on, that she can't remember everything she's done to tell me. These programs started for her in January and February, and her world is so much better now. She is getting great socialization, which she revels in, and exercises, and live music, and time with her contemporaries - along with great care.

I can tell you that it was a l-o-n-g wait wait for these health care services for seniors to kick in. We got help right away after mom's fall last summer in terms of home health care workers, and respite breaks (at Piercy Respite Hotel), but the waits for the other services were sooooo long. August to January is long time to wait if you are elderly... it felt like an eternity to her. Well, it's all good now, she is in.

It was a long haul for me too. Now that she is participating in these programs, I get small stretches of respite a few days a week - which is really helping. I am at my best for her when I am grounded and rested.... I know this. People tell you to take care of yourself. Got it. But it's hard to do when you are sinking and can barely get your head above water. That's what it felt like at times last fall. I do have good support - through the Family Caregivers Support Network, our VIHA Case Worker and Vetrans Affairs - but it's still a process to find balance.

In short, there were some periods last fall that really sucked. Big time. Survived though. Now on the other side. But it does scare you a little: figuring not only that you have a breaking point, but finding out exactly what it is - and what it feels like. Sheesh. Holy shit. Overwhelming. Sinking. All that.... Now that I am on the other side I am grateful, but I am very aware and careful not to go back there again.

So, of course it was hard for mom too: she not only had the long wait for extra services, but I know I wasn't the best I could be for her when I was depressed. And that has to have impacted her. As I learned more through some courses I took on caregiving, and dementia, there are ways to 'protect' her from that, and I do that now. Not to say it was really bad for her, it wasn't, but she'd feel it if I wasn't quite as chipper as usual, or was too tired to take her out for a drive, that kind of thing, mostly. yada yada yada... I think I'll stop trying to explain all that.

Anyways, spring is virtually here!!!

With some good respite, and lots of help from my sister, I'm feeling a lot more human these days.

Now for some random reflections:

• I am reading again. Can't believe I stopped, guess I didn't have the attention span. Plus I have a crackberry, which diverts one...
• Currently reading The Botticelli Secret by Marina Fiorato - set in Florence, in Botticelli's time - very good, though so far a lot of people have been murdered (!)
• Also reading The Stone Boudoir by Theresa Maggio - non-fiction travel writing set in Sicily - I'm loving how it is written... and I seem to be have Sicily on the mind lately... would love to visit
• So... I've been thinking more about future travel.... Not sure where that will be, but it's got me pretty interested in a whole range of things right now, including: Sicily, Crete, Budapest, Croatia, Istanbul... and swooning for some great art museums right here in North America....
• Let's see, what else...
• They renovated a cute wee house behind mom's here into a monstrosity that I am sure will block the sun at some point of the year; she formerly had a very private backyard... now there is a wall of stucco beyond and above her trees; kinda sad, and I'm sure it will reduce the property value... Yuk! But rolling with the punches there too, as they are neighbors mom has had a good relationship with, and there's no sense crying over split milk...
• I spill milk quite often, when feeding the cat, but so far, I haven't cried. Neither has he. hee hee!
• I splurged and got cable and a TV in my bedroom here... can't believe it took me this long... it's very nice to have, but I am equally pleased that I seem to have gotten over any past tv addiction, as I don't seem all that interested...
• I wish my iTouch's battery could go longer than an hour without melting down
• Not really doing my art these days. Still doodling, most days, but the studio collects dust and I am no longer trying to sell stuff. May do so again, but all that fell off the radar when the caregiving amped up this fall.... I am happy to let that be for now, but I might get the Etsy thing going again. Not going to sweat that tho...
• I have pretty well decided that when the next phase of my life comes around, I'll settle in Victoria, rather than returning to Vancouver...
• The sun is shining, the blossoms are out, it snowed for 5 minutes this morning, and there is opera playing...
• And with that, I'll finish up this batch of reflections.

Hoping I might update more often, but we'll see. Happy spring!

Not So Random Reflections

Another picture taken on my birthday in Vancouver: soothing Passion Fruit tea at the corner of Denman and Davie, sitting in a sunbeam...

What a difference a few hours make, or a few days, or just a different lens on the world, or having given my head a few good shakes.... or feeling the effects of taking care of myself...

Today mom is off doing her own thing, leaving me at home, alone, for, what, I think the first time in almost a year - aside of when I've been on a week long respite break. Today, I got four hours, maybe it will extend to five, but it feels like an eternity to one who gets my energy from being alone with no agenda. She should be home anytime now, but I feel so wonderfully restored.

After 30 years or so of living alone, I never would have thought that just four hours to myself could possibly be enough to restore - I would have thought I'd needed at least a day, if not two. But things are different, and I am learning to cherish little breaks. Like sunbeams.

It could be that I had a good base coming into today -- after my decent respite break and mini-vacation in Vancouver last week, or mom's less-than-usual-degree-of-emotional-turmoil return from Piercy Respite Hotel on Monday, or the body work I had done last week, or a change in a medication - who knows... but that base probably helped.

It probably also helped that I was able to see the preciousness of my time today. As much as I wanted to sleep, I resisted the temptation. I put on a pot of coffee and went out to my art studio -- that I've barely set a foot into since mom's fall in the summer - and had my breakfast there, reading an art book, then doing a little collage/doodle art myself. A lovely sunny day here, so it actually got hot being there too long. Then took a relaxing shower, put on some soothing music (Hennie Bekker - haven't listened to that for a long time!), and doodled - and, yes, dozed, a little.

Pleasantly surprised to feel refreshed and restored. I forgot what this feels like. And it feels good.

I'm almost hesistant to say that, I don't want to count my chickens before they are hatched, but, hell, it's worth celebrating! I honestly don't think I have felt this good since last summer. That could be selective memory, but who cares. It feels new, and a relief.

I have work to do today, but intentionally postponed it until after mom is home - so I'd have my me time for me - after all, it's supposed to be respite! I'll dig into that shortly, but wanted to capture this moment, this feeling. To cherish it. To celebrate it. And, yes, to remember it, because there will, I'm sure, be many more moments of feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope or think straight. I think they come with the territory these days. But something about today WORKED. Hallaleujah!

Mom is at a day program at Mount Newton. They pick her up here in the morning, she gets a bus ride with other attendees - then spends 4 hours on site at their facility. They start off with tea/coffee and muffins in a big sunroom, then move to an activity room that feels more like a living room for chair exercises and, if they are lucky, some live music. Lunch is a hot meal cooked from scratch on-site; those that are still capable are invited to take part in the meal preparation. After lunch is a changing program: perhaps a speaker, or games, or something like that. Then back on the bus at around 2:00 and another ride and hopefully some interesting places to see as they drive her group back home. It's a good program: they have a careworker on the bus, as well as a driver who has a care training. I am relaxed knowing that she is in good hands.

Oh, somewhere in there, probably the morning, mom gets her turn in the bath. It's quite a wonderful contraption they have - I can't wait to hear how much she liked the jets - and how happy she will be having had a real bath for the first time in ages. Since her summer fall, she's had just bird baths in bed, and showers during her stays at Piercy, that's it. The little old bathroom here is too small and dangerous for her to use....

[Pause]

Well, my precious cargo has arrived home. Mom is squeaky clean, smiling and chattering on about having had a really good day. And she is looking forward to going back again next week. So, success all around.

Now it's time for me to move onto my work for today, but glad I captured this moment and feeling. With grace, it shall return over and over again.

Library Respite

Tonight is another respite break, and I am at the local library with my sister. She is looking at books, and I am settled into a study nook with my laptop. I originally thought I might work - that's what I did the last time we were here on a similar break - but I feel like I have done enough on that front today, so an opportunity to blog.

After an hour or two, we will go and grab something to eat. This is amusing, as Patti gets a full meal, and I get, well, mush. Might be pasta tonight. One night it was mashed potatoes. Always with some soup. What's a girl to do?

I had dental surgery 8 days ago. I was playing up the 'dental surgery' bit to play a sympathy card, but I really thought it was no big deal. Wrong! I had 2 teeth extracted, and it hurt like hell afterwards. Then, despite being totally "good" (no booze, no red bull, liquids only then soft foods, and all the rinsing stuff...), it got infected. Sigh. So now I have antibiotics on top of the Tylenol 3s. As you might guess, I have been a bit of a zombie, lots of sleep, dozing off at inopportune times, and such. Yesterday I went for the gusto and spent pretty well the entire day sleeping. Made quite a difference. But long from being over the hump.

Interesting, I wrote for a whole 5 or 10 minutes without it being about mom. I'd say that's healthy. So, rather than rock that healthy boat, perhaps I'll not focus there....

I am looking forward to a great respite break later this month when I go to Vancouver and stay at a friend's apartment in the West End while she is away. Heaven.!! I don't care if all I do is sleep.... but I do hope I get out for some nice long walks. Hopefully I can drink by then (!) and can chill and have some good eats. May do nothing, may do something, will make zero plans. This IS my vacation. And boy, do I need it! [A note to my Vancouver friends: I don't expect to use this visit for socializing, so don't be offended.]

So, if I don't talk about mom, and I don't talk about respite, what do I talk about? Aside of dental pain and mushy foods, that is?

Honestly, I can't remember.

Maybe work?

I am doing two things. Can't recall if I have blogged on them before.

One is a short term contract for 4 months. I am a junior member of a 12 person team putting together 70+ elearning modules for a provincial government initiative. Interesting to have a side role, rather than being in the thick of things, but it fits me perfectly at this time. I have committed to the equivalent of 2 days a week as a minimum, and I do more when I can. I can only do this because my sister has come to help with my mom. And I enjoying it more than I thought! I'm am not really a government girl, but with the role I have carved out for myself, its working out fine. And the team is great! Only occasionally get together for face-to-face meetings; we do a daily scrum by phone and Live Meeting and the rest of my work is remote. Although I am not using it directly, I have been exposed to Articulate (I like it), have fallen in love with Dropbox, and am learning the ins and outs of Sharepoint. It's been good for me to dust off some of my skills, and spend time working with current tools. Yada yada yada....

That one is good for my brain, and my pocket book, and making local connections - but I love that it is for a finite period.

My other gig is the one that I am most excited about: since September I have been a travel researcher for IHateTaxis.com. First thing everyone asks is the story of the name, so you can read about it here. I work for the two brothers described in the story. And I LOVE IT! I started out at 10 hours a week, now up to 15 hours a week. And I am loving a steady ongoing gig that I can do anytime of night or day. It fits me like a glove! I also Tweet for them, which I enjoy tremendously. BTW, you can follow us there @ihatetaxis. Lots of cool stuff is in the hopper and it is great to be working on such a small team, as my voice, and my work, makes a difference.

It's funny, it's a way in which I am still traveling, or traveling again, without getting out of my pjs. I have learned so much about so many places by not only updating airport ground transport information, but by researching and writing about layover options. And by tweeting about travel related stuff. I'm a bit of a planespotter, so being hooked into airports is also kind of cool. If I think of places I've "touched" just this week, my 'journeys' have touched on Sicily (Mt. Etna was spewing this week!), Berlin (new airport coming!), Iceland, Dublin.... Other recent places have included Dominican Republic, Rome, Hamburg, Geneva, Hawaii, South Africa, Washington DC, Dallas Fort Worth, Winnipeg (new airport!)... and so much more.

OK, enough for now. bye bye

Airport Respite

Wow, it was almost too good to be true… and so it was… At Victoria airport enjoying the bliss of the upper observation lounge. When I got here it was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo quiet. Almost the only person here, and total silence. No music. Occasional announcements, but that’s ok. It must be sound proofed, because even the planes seem muted. For about 30 minutes it was like that, and I relaxed. Truly relaxed. It’s something I need. I need more of.

Then 2 women with 2 toddlers arrived. And the silence was shattered. I don’t resent them at all, they have as much of a right to be here as I do – and perhaps even more if they have airport business! I don’t even resent the kids screeching, cuz what else is a kid supposed to do?

But, oh, how I missed the quiet. And I felt a sudden stab of yearning for that silence.

Then a dozen more people. Maybe half that, but if feels ‘full’ in here. Again, no feelings of wishing they would go away (or not much) but just brings to mind how much I crave silence.

Just as I crave time alone.

I don’t know what to do without it.

30 years of living alone.

I misssss it.

______________

What I am doing is taking a mini-respite break. Mom has an evening worker with her tonight: they make her dinner, entertain her (great when they are readers, as tonight’s one is), give her a wash and settle her in for the evening. I am delighted she enjoys them so much. For the most part, these are different workers than the day girls – I’d like to say a different kind of worker – perhaps because they are booked through a private service (subcontracted by the health authority), so I think they are doing it for different reasons. Last night mom had a girl read her poetry. What bliss for her.

I say girls but, of course, they are women. And when there’s enough time to get to know them, really interesting women.

And mom blossoms.

She is a lot more social than she perhaps thought she was.

And they all adore her.

How lucky I am, to be caretaking for such a sweet mom as mine (ours).

___________

Getting noisier by the minute… but I am now in a zone. Liking it as much as if I’d wandered in here and found it like this: busy, alive, noisy – ah, there’s my little cocoon spot in the corner, all mine.

Perhaps best I experienced both extremes tonight, on my first night here, so I will happily accept it when it’s a busy spot – and will really appreciate it when it is quiet.

I think I may be able to find this place empty at times.

I look forward to that.

One of the most interesting challenges of this process for me is going out to relax. As in, there is a care worker in for mom, and I get a break. So… what do I do?

I have always been someone who really does relax at home. What regenerates me is unstructured time alone at home. Or wherever I am hanging my hat at the moment. I have always been like this. Figured it out a long, long time ago.

And while I can stay home when care workers come in – morning or evening – it’s probably more important to get out. I know that. But it can seem artificial sometimes.

Because there really isn’t a perfect place to go.

Mornings I have gone out for breakfast, often taking my laptop and writing to kill time.

To do chores is to, well, do chores. And going to stores doesn’t restore me.

I’ve made it a point to not use the time for household chores or doing things for mom during these times… but as much as I am totally used to being on my own and not even notice it, to get up and get dressed and go out just to be out has an odd awkwardness to it.

Especially at those times when I just want to curl up and sleep.

Sometimes I do. At home.

But I know out is good.

Early on, I had a couple of the careworkers tell me that I really needed to get out. I think they could read it on my face, sense my need to get away. I appreciate their encouragement. It really helped me in the early days.

Now with winter, and now that I am working, it really is easiest to just tuck into my room in the mornings, and either sleep in, or enjoy the radio, or reading, or dig into work.

And when my sister is here, staying home is more the norm than going out in the mornings.

Though I still do get out. I feel like I have a morning rhythm now – even though it’s a little of this and a little of that.

Evenings, well, less so, still getting that worked out. For a few nights when my sister was here, we’d go out for dinner, which was fun… but it gets expensive, and more than once I just found myself wanting to curl up and go to sleep after dinner – just not that easy to do sitting on a bar stool.

Last night, I stayed home. Took some snacks into my room, turned on my radio, chilled. It was very restful, and I was able to separate. But tonight I thought it made sense to go out.

So…. After planespotting for awhile, decided to come hang out here in the airport’s observation lounge. It was the best choice so far. Very comfortable (big leather armchairs), aboriginal art, view of the tarmac and departure lounges – and the taste of travel in the air.

It’s about as close as I get to travelling these days, so it feels good.

And I think I could relax here.

When I think of all the other options, it really is the best. The library is good, but not all the time. Restaurants are ok, but they cost money and you can’t really put your feet up (only metaphorically). A pub is good, but can’t have more than one drink and can get tired of them. Going out for coffee is fine, but you can only do so much of that, and it doesn’t work in Sidney in the evenings!!! (they roll up the sidewalks here by 8…) Have done my share of sleeping in the car. Or driving around crying at others. What a mixed bag. I’d like to be at the point where I am going for a swim, still looking forward to creating that.

But what do you do when you want to relax for an hour. And you can’t be at home? Not complaining, just observing and trying to work it out. Because it is important to be restored when all is said and done.

This is good. And they have a sweet $1 2-hour parking thing going on.

Stepping back, this is one of the things that surprised me most about being a caregiver: what one does to relax when one gets some time off.

I have tried without success to find a crash pad. My dream has been for someone with a spare bedroom, or a studio, or some separate space in their home (or a furnished place empty a few days a week) where I could hang out: crash, read, relax, sleep, watch tv – just like being at home. Well, sort of. But after a year, and a few expressions of interest, still nothing. Of course, I am looking for an angel who will lend that to me, versus paying for it. I won’t give up, but man on man, what a haul.

If you read this, and you have a spot like that, wherever you live, know that there is a caregiver (or 12) in your community who would kill to be able to make use of it. To donate space to a careworker has to be one of the greatest gifts someone can give.

Ok, enough yattering. This place has died down to about ½ the people and ½ the noise, and it’s ok.

________________

Just re-read all that. Interesting jumble of thoughts. But there you go.

There I go.

Great lounge, I was able to see the pilots – I can see pilots right now! – on a plane that pulled up to get 9 here. Kind of cool.

And this lounge just totally emptied out.

I am here totally alone.

Bliss has returned.

I create my own bliss.

But here is a gem.

Reflections of a Frustrated Blogger

I described myself in a tweet this morning, as a "frustrated blogger" (@citytravelbug). Hadn't thought of it that way before. But I am currently in limbo waiting for a phone call, so why not dig into that?

I am frustrated because I don't seem to have time to blog these days... but is that really it? I am frustrated because I am not blogging. I don't have a lot of time these days, true, but it's not that hard to do, as long as I have more of a free flowing blog, than a "composed" one. Which I'd planned (ha ha) to do anyways. So, what's stopping me?

Out of the habit is the biggie.

If I am in the habit, then it's no big deal to pop open my laptop and just write. Somewhat journal like. Not so crazy, considering that blog comes from weblog, which is an online log, or journal. Blah blah blah... enough intellectualizing!

Right now I am waiting for a call back about whether I can get a couple more days of respite care at Piercy Respite Hotel for my mom. Breaking all protocol here, but hopefully it will work out. Sometimes you just gotta trust your gut.

Was due to pick up mom this morning, but she had a fall yesterday. Not too serious, but was at the hospital with her for awhile yesterday while they stitched her up and checked her out. While we were doing that, she offered to stay another night or two, to give me a bit more respite time (also had a burst hot water tank this week, hardly real 'turn off the real world' kind of respite!)... I knew they had had a whole whack of time open the other day, as someone cancelled last minute (mom had already stayed one extra day as it was)... so I called the nurse last night. It appears that mom's room is available for 2 more nights, but that can't be confirmed until the booking person looks. Just called, and there's a relief person on, so won't know for a bit. The only thing is, I should have already left and be picking her up right now if they can't keep her longer. So a bit of a pickle of a delay if I hear I need to go get her, but I am crossing my fingers and toes. Anyways, that's the "I gotta trust" part of it.

Oh, on the falls, I was also tweeting this morning about: how do I get used to the falls, how do I keep my heart from getting stuck in my throat each time she has one. She's fine. Me, well, sheesh!!!
This is mom all loaded up to be taken back to Piercy - and the guys put the Christmas lights in the back on for her. Not a clear pic, but it was a nice moment, all 4 of us were laughing: her, me and the 2 paramedics (both cute). On that note, I told mom she didn't have to fall to get attention from some nice young men! She had 4 yesterday, 2 each way. And I told her not to be disappointed when she got women sometimes ;-)

There I go, composing again... the decision to add a couple of pics did it to me...

So........ to the frustrations part of it....

How did I get out of the habit?

It IS partially time, but I realize exactly where it started.

At the end of July my mom had a fall. And I kept it from my sister because: a) mom was "ok", b) mom asked me to, and c) my sister was off to the UK for 6 weeks in September and we both knew she would worry worry worry worry worry to the point of not enjoying her trip if she knew. It killed me a little not to tell her, but agreed to after talking with my brother and sleeping on it. And I agreed to do that as long as I didn't have to stay silent about "everything else".

The world here changed a lot here after that fall. After the first week or so of carrying on alone, totally scared that mom would fall again, and me straining my back as I assisted her, we got help. And the daily morning workers started. And some other adjustments were made around the house. Now we were supposed to get a home care assessment done sometime soon anyways, so I was able to tell my sister about those changes under those auspices (is that the right word? It's one I say but never write... oh well, for once I don't care...). (She never suspected a thing: had a great trip, and was surprised to learn about it afterwards... and totally understood, and appreciated the decision). Glad that bit is over though. Siblings have so much to do in partnership when caretaking a parent, holding something back generally doesn't help. And just felt odd to not speak of it.)

That was all going on about the time I wrote this blog entry: Grace. I had to write about it. I couldn't say nothing. My blog would have felt totally unauthentic to me if I just glossed over what was happening. So I chose my words veeeery carefully. Almost too carefully, I thought, as it felt a bit contrived, but it's also one of the most special posts I've done about my mom, because it captures the spirit of her, her heart, the fun we have (had?). Such a shame, the fall occurred the day after the pictures of this outing were taken. Mom was SO HAPPY that day!!!! She talks of it often. She talks of wanting to go back. But it won't be the same. and it's not that easy. Thinking of how happy it made her makes me all happysad. I start to cry as I write this. Her joy fills me with joy. And I feel so sad sometimes, thinking of her losses.

Okey dokey.....

Anyways... although I got my wish, of being able to share enough with my sister that I didn't feel I was lying to her... and to be able to have enough out in the open that I could blog about how my world was changing... in the end, being careful with my words was really really hard. And as I look back now, I never wrote another blog post after that all fall (well, not the heart stuff anyways).

that brings up a whole other realm of stuff for me, which I'll reflect on later.

For now, I am going to relax a bit, as I got my call back (she can stay), and I got a blog post out, so I am starting the ball rolling. Though who knows what will come! One thing I want to do is share what caregiving is like, to share our journey, and just put stuff out there as I adapt and work stuff out.....

ok, all 4 now...