Sickle-cell anaemia

I knew Floyd had a medical condition that, despite his appearance of robust health, could and would see him land in the hospital for very long stretches. I recall that he needed to carry an epi-pen-like device, and also that he did not seem worried at all. I remember asking what I (as a co-worker) needed to know, and he would smile, chuckle and tell me not to worry. I understood this to be a philosophy of living fearlessly in the moment, as opposed to recklessness. I also remember him once telling me that his treating hospital said he had the thickest medical file of all patients they treated. So as shocking as his death was, I knew there were underlying issues.

I have been trying to remember what that was, and found the answer in a comment in FB RIP's: sickle-cell anaemia.

Sickle-cell disease (SCD) is a group of blood disorders typically inherited from a person's parents. The most common type is known as sickle-cell anaemia (SCA). It results in an abnormality in the oxygen-carrying protein haemoglobin (haemoglobin S) found in red blood cells. This leads to a rigid, sickle-like shape under certain circumstances. Problems in sickle cell disease typically begin around 5 to 6 months of age. A number of health problems may develop, such as attacks of pain ("sickle-cell crisis"), anemia, swelling in the hands and feet, bacterial infections, and stroke. Long term pain may develop as people get older. The average life expectancy in the developed world is 40 to 60 years... [continue reading on Wikipedia].

Reflections on the passing of Floyd (RIP)

I find myself trying to get a little perspective today. It has been a roller coaster of emotion these past few days. Tremendous grief and shock to learn if Floyd's passing. How is it that the warmest, kindest, most positive man with the BIGGEST HEART has a heart attack? And how is it possible that this vibrant, strong and vivacious man relied on life support to stay alive? It is hard to imagine him just going quietly when his family made thr difficult decision to take him off life support... How did that huge, generous heart cease to pulse? He touched sooooo many people. Hearts were breaking everywhere.

The only way I can make sense of it is to believe that Floyd was put on this earth to shine his bright smile, spirit and optimism to everyone he met, so that they would know it is possible to live like he modelled.

In between episodes of weeping, I have been inspired in so many ways.

Floyd passed on my birthday eve, at the end of a day when I had started feeling blue and moping about turning 59. Well, that didn't last long. I am devastated that someone as young and full of life as Floyd could be gone so fast. It's true, the good do die young.

My perspective flipped to being thrilled to turn 59. Holy shit, look how far I made it!!

It doesn't feel surface, it feels deep. Rather than weaken me and discourage me, I feel strengthened, with a new resolve.

Today I'm tired, looking around for a little of that passion, but its not so far away...

RIP Floyd ~ I feel so fortunate that you touched my life. I love you buddy.

UPDATE (May 2020): I recently discovered that Floyd's website is no longer active. As the archives of his works are slowly disappearing, I scoured the net to find what I could, which I have posted below.

Also:
http://www.floydsinclair.ca/ - Floyd's art
Black Vancouverites respond to question 'Where are you from?'
Floyd Sinclair exhibit at Gallery 1515

PS. My later blog post about sickle-cell anaemia

List

My list... of the things I have experienced in the last 2 months:
2 dental surgeries
Weathered a financial crisis
Engaged in a battle in which I acted disgracefully
Was forgiven
Lost a gig
Gained a gig
Donned a dress I bought in Paris 8 years ago
Managed to get someone who hasn't spoken to me in 4-5 years to speak to me
Lost a friend, it shocked me to the core
Had a birthday

Review: Fire and Fury

Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House by Michael Wolff
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Bizarre beyond words....


Glimpsing behind the veil of the Trump Whitehouse was a temptation I couldn't resist. I was aghast, I rolled my eyes, I gasped, and I laughed, but I did not cry. But if it was my country, I probably would have. Absolutely bizarre.

I now know more about The Donald than I ever wanted, or is good for my psyche. Knowing what has been going on in the inner circle at the helm of USA government is both entertaining and frightening. More of the latter.

The book itself was good, but you could tell it had been rushed into print (audio): rambling, repetitive in parts, jumping around... but it would mean less if it was honed for another month or two.

The narrator was ok, but in the last 1/4 of the book I keep falling asleep. Kind of strange in a riveting tale. I must say, it was equally bizarre to be listening at the same time as the outfall about the book was going on.

Interesting enough for political junkies and average folk.

• Interesting... fake news or real? Article claiming Obama will narrate an audio version


View all my reviews

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Seeking clarity

I am seeking clarity.

In a sense, nothing new in that. But I really am.

So many balls in the air, so many mixed emotions and issues, I have been living in the blur. But no more. I need to break things down. Put each thing in it's own tidy little corner. Look at them individually. I need to look at them in relationship to each other too, of course, but first, I need to divide and conquer.

I was inspired yesterday by someone I respect tremendously, posting the reality of their life in the last year. It was an 'oh wow' moment. We have no idea what people are going through.

What struck me most was how brutally honestly he described what depression does to you, and the dance between depression and grief.

I experience both. It's only recently that I came to realize that depression is present in my life again. I am well aware that grief is something I am living with, though I was 'surprised' to realize that on New Year's Eve it had only been 3 years since I lost my mom. So recent. Yet it feels like I've been living with it so long.

What struck me yesterday, after reading his post, was that I hadn't been trying to separate them out at all. I'd just been living in an overwhelmed state, and doing my best to get through it.

Or not doing my best.

But I was doing what I could.

Now, a bit of clarity, a sliver of light bringing things into focus, just a bit.

It's not just depression and grief, of course, why would things be that simple? It the continual adjustment to no longer living alone, being overwhelmed at work, losing my second source of income, my own personal issues intruding on my interactions with others, to the point of acting out (badly) and living with the fallout. Through in being beyond broke, and falling back into debt, and feeling grounded (aren't I supposed to be travelling the globe, without a care in the world?). It's noticing that I haven't really landed "here", not putting down roots, even not building relationships, as I haven't acknowledged myself, where I am. It's living in a sea of boxes, as I come up on 2 years in my apartment. It's making a stupid financial mistake and recovering from it by the skin of my teeth (try paying your bills from your bank account after your rent has come out... only to realize that it hadn't come out yet, and scrambling down to the $10 to cover the shortfall in the moment... now fixed, but geez, I've never done something like that).

I have signs all around me that I'm a mess. But I've been trudging through it, what, thinking it would change?

So, the post I read just gave me a fresh perspective on the difference between depression and grief, how they get intertwined, and what we need to do to slay each dragon. Hard go slay two dragons at once, unless you're superman, or superwoman... and heck, they are my dragons. I'd rather understand than slay. They calm down and lose their power when you look in their eyes, question them, and listen, and repeat.

I have had a few other themes relating to clarity going on this past week, as well as sources of inspiration to help shift my focus.

More to come...