Doubted.

Doubted.

I feel doubted by someone. It's the oddest feeling (well, maybe not oddest, but unfamiliar and uncomfortable).

I am one of those people who is so honest I squeak. Like the time a vending machine was giving me change for a $20 every time I put $5 in (it was at a former workplace, I told them so they could fix the machine, and I gave the money back). Like a million times I've made a mistake, and fessed up or fixed it or apologized even though no one would have ever known. 

So it's a bit of a shock to realize that someone is doubting me. This feels like someone questioning my integrity, or thinking that I can't be trusted.

I actually think in this circumstances that this person hasn't really thought it through, or hasn't paid attention to the details of a situation, or hasn't grasped the full picture, so I don't take it too seriously, but I am interested in my initial reaction. 

What I felt first was hurt. Then shock. Then confusion. 

Why would anyone think I would intentionally deceive them? Do they think so little of me? Why? 

Even though I haven't done or said anything untoward, it still gives me a sinking feeling. And I feel shadows of shame flash through me. Old childhood stuff, vestiges of learning the consequences of my actions? Past recollections of times I was doubted in the past? 

I remember being a teenager, and being called into the Principal's office and questioned about the fire alarm that someone had pulled the prior evening. I was accused even though I had nothing to do with it. Of all the kids that were in the school that night, somehow I was the only person who they could fathom would do such a thing. A few days later, it was revealed that one of the 'good' kids had done it, by accident, when she fell against the alarm. 

That's not in the arena of this current situation, but it was a time when I was judged. Even when one is innocent, to be accused, or doubted, there are moments of shame. Perhaps only natural, but odd nonetheless. More than once I've had to go within, really think about a situation, before I could let myself off the hook, and relax, knowing I hadn't done anything wrong. Though, of course, there have been times when I have found an action or omission that I hadn't thought about, that needed correction, or an apology, or whatever. I am grateful that I learned to speak up when I screw up, to take personal responsibility when I have messed up.

I digress...

In this situation, I am surprised that I m doubted in this situation. I know there is no reason to, but, of course, perception is reality, in the eyes of the judger. What have I said or done to cause this person to doubt me? 

Of course, it may not have anything to do with me. 

Perhaps this person believes the worst in people, until proven wrong. I'm the opposite, but I understand some people have been conditioned this way. 

Perhaps this person has been lied to, or deceived, so many times, that they "can't" trust anyone. 

It's hard to say, but it's disappointing to realize that one has been painted with a broad brush of something that is far from the truth. 

But it's not worth worrying about, per se. There's nothing I can do about it. And I realize there are probably a whole lot of other things going on for this person and, when under stress, we respond differently than at other times. 

I'm going to give it a pass, and not let it get to me.

I know the truth.

But I'm glad I paused to take a look at this. It takes some of the sting of hurt away, and lets me sleep at night.