You would have been 71

May 28, 2020

Carol Leigh

You would have turned 71 today

If only you were still here

I never had to calculate your age, as I would just add 10 years to my own age

At 61, I have already lived so many years longer than you

While I came to accept your death, I simultaneously could never quite grasp the it of it all

You were so full of life

Always my big sister

You had such amazing perspectives 

Not only did you know the histories of all religions, but you celebrated them all

Not one to be knocked down, no matter what curve balls life dealt you, you always looked at what laid ahead as an adventure 

I can hear you saying

It's not what I would have chosen, but it's where I am

I might as well enjoy it

You taught me this so well

You equipped me well

To face the world without you

I am not often lonely, but sometimes when I think of you, I feel lonely

I miss you so much

You taught me to embrace life

You taught me to make the best of any situation 

You taught me that I am strong enough to survive anything

Even when it seems I can't imagine surviving life without being able to talk things out with you

Oh, our grand telephone marathons, how we would sometimes go on for hours

Long enough that we needed pee breaks

Today I am thinking about how I would meet you

Every other Friday night

Downtown 

At the Bay

We'd dine in the Bay's glorious rooftop buffet

Where one could sit for hours

We loved meeting here because it was next to the furniture department 

They had all these living scenes set up

Living rooms you could step into

Where you could imagine your life

You could sit back in an easy chair

Or perch on an ottoman

And imagine living in the space

We met there because either of could arrive first

And amuse oneself for hours, til the other arrived

I was so young and green

And you gave me big sisterly advice

I knew how to live as a young woman in the big city

Because of you

There wasn't a problem you couldn't solve

Or help me solve

And on the way we'd examine all the possibilities of what could come next

And the opportunity in each

I never felt daunted by life

Except

Perhaps

Weekend mornings when I was living in the West End

And would go out for coffee

And think, no

This doesn't seem right

I should be with Carol right now

But you were gone

Once or twice every weekend I would see you

At your hospice

Sometimes picking you up to take you for a drive

Oh, how you loved those drives!

You who had lost your ability to explore 

Could once again travel the streets

Coast through Stanley Park

Enjoying sun snd rain

Fresh air and memories

And we would talk, and talk, and talk

I was at a total loss when you were gone

I would go out for coffee

But not quite relax

It was quite a shock, to be there, alone

Without you

Without you to visit

Without you to talk to 

Without you

In this place that you encouraged me to move to

How would I enjoy it

Without you to share it with?

An existential moment

A moment of reckoning

Many moments

But slowly

Alas

I had the strength to carry on without you

Even though a part of me broke inside

I had those lessons

It's not the life I would have chosen

This living without you

But I did

I am 

I know there is a lot I have pushed

Down and away

But never did I look at bleakness ahead

I saw opportunity and possibilities ahead

I could turn my energy to embracing where I was at the moment

Counting my blessings 

Digging deep

And, eventually, living again seemed normal

I stopped feeling at a loss

Because I'd much rather visit you

Than have coffee by myself

I was ok

I am ok

So many memories float through my mind this morning 

My heart

My soul

I miss you terribly big sister

But you are always here with me

I feel your presence often

And I feel your lessons always

Love you forever Carol Leigh