Friday, December 16, 2011

Reflections of a Frustrated Blogger

I described myself in a tweet this morning, as a "frustrated blogger" (@citytravelbug). Hadn't thought of it that way before. But I am currently in limbo waiting for a phone call, so why not dig into that?

I am frustrated because I don't seem to have time to blog these days... but is that really it? I am frustrated because I am not blogging. I don't have a lot of time these days, true, but it's not that hard to do, as long as I have more of a free flowing blog, than a "composed" one. Which I'd planned (ha ha) to do anyways. So, what's stopping me?

Out of the habit is the biggie.

If I am in the habit, then it's no big deal to pop open my laptop and just write. Somewhat journal like. Not so crazy, considering that blog comes from weblog, which is an online log, or journal. Blah blah blah... enough intellectualizing!

Right now I am waiting for a call back about whether I can get a couple more days of respite care at Piercy Respite Hotel for my mom. Breaking all protocol here, but hopefully it will work out. Sometimes you just gotta trust your gut.

Was due to pick up mom this morning, but she had a fall yesterday. Not too serious, but was at the hospital with her for awhile yesterday while they stitched her up and checked her out. While we were doing that, she offered to stay another night or two, to give me a bit more respite time (also had a burst hot water tank this week, hardly real 'turn off the real world' kind of respite!)... I knew they had had a whole whack of time open the other day, as someone cancelled last minute (mom had already stayed one extra day as it was)... so I called the nurse last night. It appears that mom's room is available for 2 more nights, but that can't be confirmed until the booking person looks. Just called, and there's a relief person on, so won't know for a bit. The only thing is, I should have already left and be picking her up right now if they can't keep her longer. So a bit of a pickle of a delay if I hear I need to go get her, but I am crossing my fingers and toes. Anyways, that's the "I gotta trust" part of it.

Oh, on the falls, I was also tweeting this morning about: how do I get used to the falls, how do I keep my heart from getting stuck in my throat each time she has one. She's fine. Me, well, sheesh!!!
This is mom all loaded up to be taken back to Piercy - and the guys put the Christmas lights in the back on for her. Not a clear pic, but it was a nice moment, all 4 of us were laughing: her, me and the 2 paramedics (both cute). On that note, I told mom she didn't have to fall to get attention from some nice young men! She had 4 yesterday, 2 each way. And I told her not to be disappointed when she got women sometimes ;-)

There I go, composing again... the decision to add a couple of pics did it to me...

So........ to the frustrations part of it....

How did I get out of the habit?

It IS partially time, but I realize exactly where it started.

At the end of July my mom had a fall. And I kept it from my sister because: a) mom was "ok", b) mom asked me to, and c) my sister was off to the UK for 6 weeks in September and we both knew she would worry worry worry worry worry to the point of not enjoying her trip if she knew. It killed me a little not to tell her, but agreed to after talking with my brother and sleeping on it. And I agreed to do that as long as I didn't have to stay silent about "everything else".

The world here changed a lot here after that fall. After the first week or so of carrying on alone, totally scared that mom would fall again, and me straining my back as I assisted her, we got help. And the daily morning workers started. And some other adjustments were made around the house. Now we were supposed to get a home care assessment done sometime soon anyways, so I was able to tell my sister about those changes under those auspices (is that the right word? It's one I say but never write... oh well, for once I don't care...). (She never suspected a thing: had a great trip, and was surprised to learn about it afterwards... and totally understood, and appreciated the decision). Glad that bit is over though. Siblings have so much to do in partnership when caretaking a parent, holding something back generally doesn't help. And just felt odd to not speak of it.)

That was all going on about the time I wrote this blog entry: Grace. I had to write about it. I couldn't say nothing. My blog would have felt totally unauthentic to me if I just glossed over what was happening. So I chose my words veeeery carefully. Almost too carefully, I thought, as it felt a bit contrived, but it's also one of the most special posts I've done about my mom, because it captures the spirit of her, her heart, the fun we have (had?). Such a shame, the fall occurred the day after the pictures of this outing were taken. Mom was SO HAPPY that day!!!! She talks of it often. She talks of wanting to go back. But it won't be the same. and it's not that easy. Thinking of how happy it made her makes me all happysad. I start to cry as I write this. Her joy fills me with joy. And I feel so sad sometimes, thinking of her losses.

Okey dokey.....

Anyways... although I got my wish, of being able to share enough with my sister that I didn't feel I was lying to her... and to be able to have enough out in the open that I could blog about how my world was changing... in the end, being careful with my words was really really hard. And as I look back now, I never wrote another blog post after that all fall (well, not the heart stuff anyways).

that brings up a whole other realm of stuff for me, which I'll reflect on later.

For now, I am going to relax a bit, as I got my call back (she can stay), and I got a blog post out, so I am starting the ball rolling. Though who knows what will come! One thing I want to do is share what caregiving is like, to share our journey, and just put stuff out there as I adapt and work stuff out.....

ok, all 4 now...


Karin said...

I appreciate that you decided to take the time to share this Roberta. When our parents need our care it is both an honour to be able to give something back to them and it brings up many emotions to adjust to the changes as you noted. What a journey life is!

Todd HellsKitchen said...

I'm now following you on Twitter... You can follow me if you want at @ToddHellsKitch