Saturday, October 20, 2018

New reflections

The flat I stayed in when I was first in Barcelona
had this great rooftop terrace, shared by all the residents.
Rarely did anyone else ever use it, but one day I came out
to find "Sandra" drying in the hot sun, fresh from a bath.
Reflecting on pauses I am taking, and spaces I am creating in my life. Have I finally had enough of myself to start making changes? I don't know, but something is shifting.

The thing I am mostly aware of this week is how much a single day alone can mean to me. I thought I needed more. What I crave is long stretches, but I'll take what I can get. I also recognize that moving heaven and earth to get a day or two IS worth it.

But a rest was as good of a change, and having 36 hours or so alone this past week let me relax into myself.

Nothing grand, just puttering around my own home, having a nice cup of tea in the living room, and reading a book. Being home alone is gold.

The past 8 months have taught me a lot, including a reminder that I may not ever want to live with someone. I always though I might be open to a long term relationship, if I ever came across the right situation - and I probably still am - but sharing my abode? Right now I can't imagine it. What I can imagine is a long time relationship, with 2 apartments. People do it. I could.
But, really, all that is so far off my radar, just a thought.

Creating intentional time alone is something I need to take seriously as a cornerstone in my life. I have to look past the barrier of not being able to that at home.

When I was travelling, for the most part, I felt that sense of inner peace and contentment of being myself, within myself. Wherever I am, I am home. I didn't feel lost because I didn't have a "home".

I wonder how I can create some of that same sense of self, and inner solitude, when I am not living alone? I feel like I am grasping at a loose thread of a thought beyond my reach...

Reflections this week around:
  • Solitude
  • Swimming
  • Pausing
  • Nourishing
  • Writing
Sometimes I feel my brain spinning like a top. I have so much going on in there (!), that I am not able to breathe or breathe in. I need space, and I am not creating that for myself.

Now is not the time to reflect on what I don't have, or to beat myself up for not creating what's important.

Now is the time to just stop, get grounded, and find a few threads from which to weave a new way of being. Or just disentangle myself from the snags.

BTW, this is a stream of consciousness that I don't expect anyone else to read, or to follow. It's more like my blog of old. I've been writing less like this in recent years, as my blog has become more 'visible'. I've even thought of creating a new blog, just for my thoughts, but why should I? I've had this one forever. I actually doubt anyone reads it anyways, and I am not worried what people think, so I'll just carry on....

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