COVID Diary 4

Just had a moment where the multiple traumas and tragedies of late began piling up. The Beirut explosion, the Red Deer doctor attack, so many crazy things happening in this world. For the most part, I have been compartmentalizing ok, but had a wave of emotion hit me when I saw two photos in my CBC Radio stream.

The one that pulled at my heartstrings was this classroom photo of little kids in school, sitting with masks on, at their social distanced desks, so much of their natural spirit controlled, like invisible walls. Not being able to move, to squirm beyond their invisible walls, I can almost see the regimented ways the must need to move about their school, how orderly they must need to be on their breaks. Sad eyes over masks. How tragic. Snuffing out the kid in kids. I am not a parent, so have been learning at an emotional distance about what they say will be the long term effect of COVID on children. But somehow this one picture got me, and I cried. It feels so SAD to see the natural life spirit of kids snuffed out in the very environment they go to be with their friends, to learn, where it used to be an hour or two where they would need to sit controlled before recess, but always still witin note-passing, ruler poking and spitball throwing distance. These kids will be changed by this in ways we cannot be imagined. 30 years from now adults will be struggling through therapy to untangle complex issues. I can't imagine being a parent and needing to navigate all this. And how hard this must be on teachers. They are just little kids.

The other picture was of the arrest of activist Jimmy Lai in Hong Kong. It is just so grim. It says resistance IS futile in any world where China has any influence. What struck me was the faces of the officers that surround him, eyes downcast, in resignation. I want to say in shame, as that's what I imagine I see.

There is more going on, and mostly I cope, but occasionally things pile up and it all hits me. I think the fact that I don't have TV, and don't stream it online, has protected me, by not searing iages of people in hazmat suits into my brain. I think its a wise choice, as I still get plenty of news and analysis and human stories through radio and podcasts. But it also lets images like these stand out, to not pass me by.

Quotes from the diary study 4

Be the change you want to see in the world. - Mahatma Gandhi

Life is what happens to us while we are busy making plans. - Allen Saunders (although often misattributed to John Lennon)

Quotes from the diary study 3

For every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quotes from the diary study 2

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful people can change the world; indeed it's the only thing that ever has. - attributed to Margaret Mead with some degree of uncertainty.

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there someday. - A.A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

COVID Diary 3

I've been reflecting on what I do and don't like about keeping a diary through this.

I have mixed feelings.

I thought at first that it might be interesting to record the experience of a solo who is pretty content overall. I wasn't having trouble isolating.

By recording my experiences, it's both helped and made things harder.

Helped in that it has made me more aware of what I am feeling, I am noticing nuances that might have slipped by me before. And I'm definitely being present.

Made things harder in that by being more present, I am not distancing from my feelings. It is pretty easy for me to get into a zone, and not really examine what is going on all around me, to let it wash over me, and just be. This is forcing me to notice, and by doing so, stuff is coming up more. I am more aware, but I'm also having to process more. That's not a bad thing, but it's a harder thing.

In the end, it is better to be present and process as I go, but I miss the 'luxury' of being able to get into a zone for days at a a time, largely untouched by outside factors. I've also had something personal open up my heart a bit, and that is naturally making my emotions closer to the surface.

Yesterday this manifested in me feeling terribly sad... hardly surprising considering the number of crisis and trauma floating in the ether (pandemic, Nova Scotia shootings, the downed Forces helicopter), coupled with my awareness of friends who are experiencing loss. What got me was hearing the emotions of a journalist after speaking to the mother of one of those lost in the helicopter crash. Not that I am stoic, but I usually like to know the stories; it feels like a way to honour those who have been scarred or who have left us. But I hit a limit yesterday, and it stuck right there in my throat. As I was feeling this, and doodling, I found a tragic face making itself visible on the page, a crying eye, and bringing it out brought everything to the surface.

I am fortunate in that I have skills learned from many years in therapy that I can turn to when I get emotional or stuck. I wasn't yet at the stage of being overwhelmed, let alone panicked, but I have a deep knowledge that even if it gets that bad, I can cope with it. I can process it, I can work it out. This gives me a lot of strength when the chips are down.

The time I learned this was upon my arrival in Athens in 2009, and I had a big dose of culture shock. I felt traumatized and it went very deep. It wasn't so much Athens itself, but I was vulnerable, and something tilted, and I was not doing well. It took me a couple of days to work through it, I think, but I was able to figure out what was going on, and dug deep to find myself, rescue me, and get grounded again. I write about that a bit in my blog (Arrival in Athens and Chocolate, worry beads and a Greek rainstorm), and although I did not reveal a lot, I remember what a mess I was. That experience has taught me how resilient I really am. And the knowledge of that has helped me a few times in recent years, when I hit a wall. In the present, I wasn't there (yet), was just feeling emotional, but I was reminded of this, and it gave me comfort.

In the end yesterday, I worked it through a bit, then mostly distracted myself for the day (with all news off), and gave myself time.

Today, I feel much better.... but it's also what inspired me to think about how documenting at this time is helping me, and not helping.

Not helping? No, it's not that. It can never be a bad thing to be present and to deal with one's stuff, but it IS harder.

Harder isn't a bad thing.

I think I'd rather have it be harder, and have to work it through, than not feel anything at all, or feel oblivious.

It's all good, it's all good....

Quotes from the diary study

On the screen after submitting each COVID-19 Daily Diary Study entry, there is a quote, and I've decided to collect them (I might even ask them for the first ones). 

Here's today's:

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says 'I'll try again tomorrow.'

- Mary Anne Radmacher

COVID Diary 2

I've been poking at another entry in my COVID-19 Diary without making much progress, but it's not for a lack of focus. It's just that a couple other related activities have been taking my time.

One is the blogposts I have been writing on how museums are documenting life during a pandemic. Theses were interesting initially, but I don't think it will be long until I just say "all museums are doing something".

The other, and most importantly, is the is the COVID-19 Diary Study that I am participating in (and wrote about it here). It's very interesting, but is taking me 20-30 minutes each evening (I will get an output of my responses after 4 weeks, so I might post that, or part of it, at that time).

I feel that I am benefiting from the structure these activities have provided me, especially the daily diary study. It has made me aware of my state of mind, how much I am (or am not) listening to news, my health, and so on. For at least part of my day, I am absolutely present.

I have been listening to music while I do these, and have periodically paused to record what I have been grooving to.

Background music: Ain't Too Proud to Beg (Rolling Stones), Maggie May (Rod Stewart), Innagadadavida (Iron Butterfly), Straight On (Heart), Hush (Deep Purple), Carry On Wayward Son (Kansas), Sultans of Swing (Dire Straits), Won't Get Fooled Again (The Who), Touch Me (The Doors), Smoke on the Water (Deep Purple), Radar Love (Golden Earring)

CVD = COVID Diary

I've thought off-and-on about journalling throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, but let it go, choosing instead to stick to my usual un-routine of journalling when I need it (none of this is public anyways).

Earlier, I shared highlights from two radio interviews about COVID-19 diaries: Documenting life during a pandemic.

Interesting, I thought, as I listened.... so am playing with the idea of blogging throughout this.

My perspective is that of a single female introvert, living alone, working at home, and feeling very grateful for everything: Canada, BC, our healthcare system, my health, my job, my apartment and all the time I have on my hands.

The pandemic aside, I am perfectly content to spend days alone. It's as natural as breathing for me. And considering I just spent 10 years living with family, after 30 years of living alone, I am especially grateful to have my own space. Physical space, but mental, emotional and spiritual space as well. I had largely lost touch with those aspects of myself after I began co-habitating, so this is more time along the path I have been on since December.

Background music: Under My Thumb (Rolling Stones), Heart of Gold (Neil Young), Down on Mainstreet (Bob Seger), White Lightening and Wine (Heart), Whole Lotta Love (Led Zeppelin)

Documenting life during a pandemic

Today I listened to TWO interesting CBC Radio shows about pandemic diaries: who's keeping them, and why, and how they have value beyond the personal. It turns out there are a few initiatives to encourage recording this period for their historical value. A few highlights from each:

'We want it all': Keeping a COVID-19 diary? It could help future historians — and your mental health - The Current

Dr. Karen Blair, an assistant professor of psychology at St. Francis Xavier University... is part of a team that's collecting diary entries from those in the thick of isolation. They hope to shed light on how the pandemic is affecting mental health. Each day, participants check in with a short survey. Some even share details about their experiences that day."

It's so interesting that I have joined the COVID-19 Diary Study project.

The Current story resources
Keeping a COVID-19 diary? It could help future historians - podcast episode and transcript
COVID-19 Diary Study - join Dr. Karen Blair's project

National Museum of Denmark's
Christian Sune Pedersen is leading the journal project

Danes are sending their quarantine journals to the national museum - Day 6

"Lots of people are turning to social media to chronicle the monotony of quarantine, peppered with the brief excitement of sourdough starters and family kitchen parties. But folks in Denmark are taking it a step further, by sending pages of their lockdown journals to the national museum to preserve them for posterity. Conveniently, Denmark already has a blueprint for the journal experiment..."

They've done it before, in 1992 (when they received 51,000 entries) and again in 2017. An interesting listen.

Day 6 story resources
Danes are sending their quarantine journals to the national museum - podcast episode and transcript
National Museum of Denmark - official website (19 museums/sites)