Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Reflections on blogging, writing and courage

It's interesting to observe how my blog has changed over the years and, every once in awhile when I do make a significant change, I do notice a bit of a struggle. Like now. With my travels, appropriately, I began to cater what I wrote about to the "audience" of friends and family who were following along. Or, as many said, living vicariously through me. Now that I am "home", I am finding the voice of that public self, isn't necessarily what draws me to write as often as I write. Sometimes I just want to write. I don't want to write for someone else. And I do do that, to a degree. But lately I've noticed myself mentally editing what I want to write about, thinking that whatever "it" is it may not be suitiable for "this" blog I write. LOL. And I truly did laugh out loud as I finished that last sentence. Suitable for what? It's MY blog, afterall.

What is this new blog? Perhaps just more of journal. There is, of course, stuff I journal about that's not going to make it onto my blog... stuff that is truly personal. But, for the most part, I want to shake off whatever personna I have created for myself here, and just be me. For me.

Typical Aquarian response, perhaps. Or, perhaps, better said, typical Roberta response. I don't like routine, and I certainly don't like to be put in a box, even if that box is of my own making.

Sometimes a girl just wants to write, you know?

It's like I need to clear away this niggling doubt in order to transform my blog to be whatever it is meant to be, to accompany me on this journey of reinventing myself, and creating a new life. Because, what I'm doing right now, this reinvention, is pretty exciting. And I can't hold it all inside. I don't want to hold it all inside. What makes it most fun is I don't know what it will be.

I was asked the other day what the fun is in my life. I was surprised to blurt out "my life is my fun!" And it's true. Ever since I stopped "working" (at a job-job) almost a year ago, my life has all been about fun. Even when it's been a little bleh, it's still been fun. Because I don't really know where I am going.

All I know for sure is that I am learning and going with the flow. I am LOVING having nothing to tie me down. I am enjoying my own company. I am enjoying seeing what emerges when I doodle for a few hours. I am delighted to notice when I let things go, things that I think used to mean a lot to me, but today don't really. I am encouraged to find my heart pushing it's way into the forefront of my life, versus being tucked in a little corner, hidden away where it can't get hurt. I am encouraged to find my courage prominent in my life.

Heh. Just noticed the root of the word ENCOURAGED is COURAGE. Veeerrrryyyyy interesting.

I am encouraged by my courage. Indeed.

Courage feels so much better than fear.
Courage feels so much better than doubt.
Courage feels so much better than control.
Courage feels so much better than contraction.
Courage feels better.
Courage feels.

Me: courage. Me, my life, courage, and art. Just hanging out, living my life, creating my art, learning my lessons, moving along my journey, doodling along, living along, loving along, reflecting, writing, exploring, staying open, just being me.

What a lovely example of what happens when I really write. I start writing about one thing, and end up thinking about another. And I work stuff out as I go. Writing is a pretty powerful tool in my life.

I like it.

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