You would have been 71

May 28, 2020

Carol Leigh

You would have turned 71 today

If only you were still here

I never had to calculate your age, as I would just add 10 years to my own age

At 61, I have already lived so many years longer than you

While I came to accept your death, I simultaneously could never quite grasp the it of it all

You were so full of life

Always my big sister

You had such amazing perspectives 

Not only did you know the histories of all religions, but you celebrated them all

Not one to be knocked down, no matter what curve balls life dealt you, you always looked at what laid ahead as an adventure 

I can hear you saying

It's not what I would have chosen, but it's where I am

I might as well enjoy it

You taught me this so well

You equipped me well

To face the world without you

I am not often lonely, but sometimes when I think of you, I feel lonely

I miss you so much

You taught me to embrace life

You taught me to make the best of any situation 

You taught me that I am strong enough to survive anything

Even when it seems I can't imagine surviving life without being able to talk things out with you

Oh, our grand telephone marathons, how we would sometimes go on for hours

Long enough that we needed pee breaks

Today I am thinking about how I would meet you

Every other Friday night

Downtown 

At the Bay

We'd dine in the Bay's glorious rooftop buffet

Where one could sit for hours

We loved meeting here because it was next to the furniture department 

They had all these living scenes set up

Living rooms you could step into

Where you could imagine your life

You could sit back in an easy chair

Or perch on an ottoman

And imagine living in the space

We met there because either of could arrive first

And amuse oneself for hours, til the other arrived

I was so young and green

And you gave me big sisterly advice

I knew how to live as a young woman in the big city

Because of you

There wasn't a problem you couldn't solve

Or help me solve

And on the way we'd examine all the possibilities of what could come next

And the opportunity in each

I never felt daunted by life

Except

Perhaps

Weekend mornings when I was living in the West End

And would go out for coffee

And think, no

This doesn't seem right

I should be with Carol right now

But you were gone

Once or twice every weekend I would see you

At your hospice

Sometimes picking you up to take you for a drive

Oh, how you loved those drives!

You who had lost your ability to explore 

Could once again travel the streets

Coast through Stanley Park

Enjoying sun snd rain

Fresh air and memories

And we would talk, and talk, and talk

I was at a total loss when you were gone

I would go out for coffee

But not quite relax

It was quite a shock, to be there, alone

Without you

Without you to visit

Without you to talk to 

Without you

In this place that you encouraged me to move to

How would I enjoy it

Without you to share it with?

An existential moment

A moment of reckoning

Many moments

But slowly

Alas

I had the strength to carry on without you

Even though a part of me broke inside

I had those lessons

It's not the life I would have chosen

This living without you

But I did

I am 

I know there is a lot I have pushed

Down and away

But never did I look at bleakness ahead

I saw opportunity and possibilities ahead

I could turn my energy to embracing where I was at the moment

Counting my blessings 

Digging deep

And, eventually, living again seemed normal

I stopped feeling at a loss

Because I'd much rather visit you

Than have coffee by myself

I was ok

I am ok

So many memories float through my mind this morning 

My heart

My soul

I miss you terribly big sister

But you are always here with me

I feel your presence often

And I feel your lessons always

Love you forever Carol Leigh

Review: Lord of the Flies

Lord of the Flies by William Golding
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Take a walk on the dark side...
I read Lord of the Flies long ago, so I was ready for a new take on the classic. Fortunately, it was long enough ago that I didn't remember the plot details. Oh my, what dark sides we humans have.... and so interesting to see how they come out. Good vs evil. Dark vs light. Excellent narration, which really added to my experience ~ I felt I 'got' the characters.

View all my reviews

Review: I Am Spock

I Am Spock by Leonard Nimoy
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Spock and Nimoy reflect...
What a fabulous little book! My only complaint is that it was too short. Well, actually, it didn't leave me wanting, I just didn't want it to end. Great narration from Nimoy. My favourite parts were the conversations he had with Spock in his head. It really was a partnership. A must listen for all Trekkies. LLAP

View all my reviews

Quotes from the diary study 4

Be the change you want to see in the world. - Mahatma Gandhi

Life is what happens to us while we are busy making plans. - Allen Saunders (although often misattributed to John Lennon)

Do you prefer physical books or audiobooks?

That's the question I answered in a Goodreads poll today. Then I posted this:


I voted audiobooks, but I will clarify.

Always love a book I can hold in my hands.

As technology started taking a greater role in my life, I started reading less. I didn't even notice at first. Then I noticed my concentration started to slip, and so began a slow slide. I was listening to podcasts, a lot, and found I enjoyed drawing at the same time. And once I was drawing a couple hours a day, I found I had less time for reading.

Audiobooks saved me.

I started listening to Audible books about 3 years ago, and have 'read' more in that time than the previous 6-7 years. What I like about an audiobook is that I can draw while I am listening. I always have one on the go.

To me it's more about the convenience and the ability to draw while reading, but I do enjoy the narration (when it's a good narrator!). The great thing is that this brought me back to physical books, which I am enjoying again. Now when I have two books on the go, it's one of each.

I don't think audiobooks should be scorned, but I will never try to convince you that they are better than a physical book, or that you should give them up.

I will always believe in books and my shelves are still full.

Is there a name for this?

I had one of those moments today, when I was updating my LinkedIn profile, and up pops a face in the jumble of a feed of 'what are your connections doing now' stuff. And it was my friend Floyd, who sadly passed away a few years ago of sickle-cell anaemia. He was a former colleague, an brilliant artist and an incredible shining light.

This type of thing always gives me pause.

I remember the first time I came across a friend's name in my email contacts who was gone. Space opened up. Time stood still. What do I do? Delete him? Hell no. Ken was more of an acquaintance than a close friend, but a friend nonetheless. He'd survived AIDS for many years, but it finally took him. And there was no way I was going to click 'delete'.

Of course I'd lost people before, but before email.

I've had a similar experience since, more than once, when cleaning out email, and I've come across an email from someone now deceased. Whoa. Full stop. I can't help but pause. And reflect. Usually with a breath or two, I can honour their memory, and move on.

Definitely not so easy if they committed suicide, however, as I am touched by the tragedy all over again. Remembering both Leah and Jodi on that one.

On the flipside today, as I found myself wanting to look at Floyd's art, his website is gone and his domain is for sale... they very thing that might be tangible in all this has vanished. So strange.

And it's often made me reflect on this phenomena, where the dead spontaneously appear in our technology-powered lives. I wonder if it's been studied, and if it has a name.

Floyd Sandiford
aka artist Floyd Sinclair
RIP buddy

Anyways, I believe that finding Floyd's smiling face looking right at me was no coincidence, and I've spent much of the day thinking about him. I have no doubt he is very busy right now, giving comfort to some, and encouraging to others to fight for their lives. I'm not just remembering him, but I can actually hear his voice and how he would pronounce my name when he'd say, "Hey, Roberta, how's it going?" And its impossible for me to look into those eyes without tearing up. I am so lucky to have been touched by this beautiful soul in my life, and he inspires me, especially at a time when one needs inspiration.

I did manage to find a few pictures of Floyd's art though, a few of which I have posted below. I've posted more in my RIP Floyd post in 2018. 

Quotes from the diary study 3

For every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

You can't always get what you want

Grooving to a fav Rolling Stones number that seems to fit my mood today... (SO glad I saw them on their Bigger Bang concert tour in 2006):

"You Can't Always Get What You Want"

The Rolling Stones (Milwaukee, 2015)
Left to right, Charlie Watts, Ronnie Wood,
Mick Jagger and Keith Richards

I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she would meet her connection
At her feet was a footloose man
No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you find
You get what you need

You Can't Always Get What You Want,
written by Mick Jagger and
Keith Richards,  was released  in 1969
on the Let It Bleed album

Read an interesting story about
the song on Song Meanings and Facts

I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she was gonna meet her connection
At her feet was a footloose man
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, well, you might find
You get what you need

And I went down to the demonstration
To get my fair share of abuse
Singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration
If we don't we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse"
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, well, you just might find
You get what you need
Yeah, oh baby

The famed Chelsea Drugstore in west London,
mentioned in the lyrics of the Rolling Stones'
You Can't Always Get What You Want.

Chelsea Drugstore was so much more than a pharmacy.
Arranged over three floors, and open for up to
16 hours a day, the shop featured bars, a chemist,
newsstands, record stores and other concessions.

The Chelsea Drugstore operated from 1968-1971.
The sleek, modern travertine and brushed steel
building was designed by architect Antony Cloughley
and designer Colin Golding of GCB Associates. 

I went down to the Chelsea drugstore
To get your prescription filled
I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy
And man, did he look pretty ill
We decided that we would have a soda
My favorite flavor, cherry red
I sung my song to Mr. Jimmy
Yeah, and he said one word to me, and that was "dead"
I said to him
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need
Oh, yeah

You get what you need
Yeah, oh baby

I saw her today at the reception
In her glass was a bleeding man
She was practiced at the art of deception
Well I could tell by her blood-stained hands
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need

Source: AZLyrics

Prurient

My word of the day: prurient

Here is the reference, heard in the audiobook I am currently listening to (A Tale for the Time Being, by Ruth Ozeki)*:

"Ruth's curiosity was piqued. It was clearly a diary of some kind. She examined the cover again. Should she read it? Deliberately now, she turned to the first page, feeling vaguely prurient, like an eavesdropper, or a peeping Tom..."

Definition of prurient from Lexico

*About that book, here is the Audible review that convinced me to buy it:

"I bought this audiobook 5 years ago now. I've listened to it more than 10 times - at least twice each year - and it never gets old, never loses one bit of its magic. the author narrates the story beautifully and intimately brings each character to life. in my opinion, there's nothing in this world better than the kind of fiction that sweeps you in and immerses you entirely. if that brings you as much joy as it does me, I highly recommend A Tale for the Time Being."

Students as historians

Came across this interesting piece directed at students and how they can contribute to the historical record by documenting their lives during the COVID-19 pandemic. Check it out...

While finishing up hectic finals schedules and trying to sort out summer plans, it can be tempting to only focus  on when this will be over –– when students can return to campus, see their friends again and resume “normal” activities. Given how all-consuming the news surrounding the pandemic has become, it’s no surprise that the focus remains how to get through it. Everyone wants this to be over soon. But, it is equally important to document the small ways the virus has impacted everyday life — to recognize and record its effects. By writing, journaling and creating, students can play a role in the collection of history... [continue reading in the Daily Trojan].

Students should make a record of their life during the coronavirus pandemic - Daily Trojan

On boredom

Out of My Skull: The Psychology of Boredom,
by James Danckert and John Eastwood
Listen to the interview on CBC's The Current

Heard an interesting interview today with 2 Canadian experts on boredom, prior to their upcoming book launch. It's a topic that would always be interesting to me, but of course, in the time of isolation, it is particularly timely. I don't often experience boredom, and sometimes express disbelief when people say they are bored... there is always something to learn about! Give me a stack of books, some art supplies and an internet connection and it is hard to imagine getting bored. Yet, it does happen occasionally. And when it does, I think about the creativity to come, as it inevitably does. But it is uncomfortable in the moment. This interview, however, had me rethinking my frankly holier-than-thou attitude about when others are bored. Jeez, Roberta, give people a break, eh? Everyone experiences boredom differently. And for those who normally are running all the time, I have new appreciation for how they may be experiencing boredom at this time. I particularly enjoyed the aspect of the interview of how boredom emerges when we have a lack of agency over our own lives... interesting stuff. They didn't get into whether this differs for introverts and extroverts, as I suspect it does, but maybe that's a reason to get the book (no audiobook yet, fingers crossed...).

Anyways, it was fascinating, and worth a listen.

CBC's The Current's Matt Galloway interviewed James Danckert and John Eastwood, co-authors of Out of My Skull: The Psychology of Boredom.
Listen to the interview (recommended)
About the book

What historians will see

There was a particularly good feature in the New York Times on how universities and institutions are encouraging people to document life during this pandemic. A few highlights...

StoryCorps, the story-sharing nonprofit, moved its platform online for the first time... 

Students at Neumann University in Pennsylvania set up a series called the Coronavirus Diaries on the school’s radio station, WNUW-FM... 

“A century ago, people told their stories in written journals,... Now, we are capturing people’s thoughts and experiences through social media posts, email, audio and photographs.”... [continue reading in the New York Times].

What Historians Will See When They Look Back on the Covid-19 Pandemic of 2020 - New York Times

Journal of the plague

Discovered an incredible site in my search for interesting ways in which museums are documenting life during a pandemic. It's been going for awhile, so I am glad I found out about it. What I like about it are how accessible it is (anyone can contribute) and how collaborative it is (I've copied the list of the curators below).

A Journal of the Plague Year: An Archive of COVID19

Join us in documenting our uncertain moment. We are acting not just as historians, but as chroniclers, recorders, memoirists, as image collectors. We invite you to share your experience and impressions of how CoVid19 has affected our lives, from the mundane to the extraordinary, including the ways things haven't changed at all. Share your story in text, images, video, tweets, texts, Facebook posts, Instagram or Snapchat memes, and screenshots of the news and emails--anything that speaks to paradoxes of the moment. Imagine, as we are, what future historian might need to write about and understand this historical moment... [continue reading the site's About page].

Curators

The site title was inspired
by Daniel Defoe's novel of
that name. First published in
March 1722 the novel,
A Journal of the Plague Year,
tells story of one man's experiences
 of the year 1665, in which the
bubonic plague shook London.

• Mark Tebeau, Public History, ASU
• Catherine O'Donnell, Arizona State University (ASU)
• Mills Kelly, George Mason University
• Andrew May, Melbourne History Workshop, University of Melbourne, Australia
• Mitchell Harrop, Melbourne History Workshop, University of Melbourne, Australia
• Victoria Cain, History, Northeastern University
• Jason Kelly, IUPUI
• Rebecca Wingo, University of Cincinnati
• Casey Ruble, Fordham University
• Micki McGee, Fordham University
• Juilee Decker, Rochester Institute of Technology
• Connie Zeanah Atkinson, Midlo Center, University of New Orleans
• Mary Niall Mitchell, Midlo Center, University of New Orleans
• Kathryn O'Dwyer, University of New Orleans
• Jessica Dauterive, RRCHNM, George Mason
• Amy Tyson, Depaul University
• Sharon Musher, Stockton University
• Andrew Schocket Bowling Green State University
• Maureen Barry, Bowling Green State University
• Susannah Ottoway, Carleton College
• Cathy Gudis, UC-Riverside & LA Skid Row Archive
• Nicki Tarulevicz, Hobart University
• Ariel Beaujot, University of Wisconsin--LaCrosse
• Brendan Lindsay, California State University--Sacremento
• Cheryl Jimenez Frei, University of Wisconsin, Eau Claire
• Dave Ghamandi, University of Virginia
• Michelle Hamilton, University of Western Ontario
• Denise Bates, Arizona State University
• Terry Shoemaker, Arizona State University
• Susan Barrett, Arizona State University
• Katy Lasdow, Suffolk University
• Katy Kole de Peralta, Arizona State University
• Katie Clary, Coastal Carolina University
• Matt Casey, Arizona State University
• Michael Della Iacono, Suffolk University
• Nancy Berlage, Texas State University San Marcos
• Jaime Ding, Kennedy Library, Cal Poly San Luis Obispo
• Brian Cwiek, Bates College
• Tom Beazley, ASU
• Erin Craft, ASU
• Christopher Bradley, ASU
• Marc Vance, ASU
• Lawson Miller, ASU
• Wendy Trakes, ASU
• Jordan Meyerl, UMASS Boston
• Ella Irmiter, Northeastern University
• Hanna Leatherman, Brown University
• Anjelica Oswald, Northeastern University
• Aaron Peterka, Northeastern University
• Abby Goldstein, Fordham University
• Alfie Paul, UMASS Boston
• Allinston Saulsberry, ASU
• Carmen Coury, Southern Connecticut State University
• Carolyn Goldstein, UMASS Boston
• Chris Parsons, Northeastern University
• David Duncan, UC-Santa Cruz
• Deborah Krieger, Brown University
• Doug Clouse, Fordham University
• Ellen Holt Werle, Macalester College
• Erin Hall, University of Wisconsin- Eau Claire
• Gregory Smoak, University of Utah
• Heather Monro Prescott, Central Connecticut State University
• Heather Perez, Stockton University
• Isabel Allen, ASU
• Jane Collins, UCLA
• Jennifer Long Morehart, Georgia State University
• Joey Dorion, ASU
• Julia Howington, Suffolk University
• Julie Paulesc, ASU
• Kate Levitt, Stony Brook University
• Ken Albers, George Mason University
• Kyle Minor, UIPUI
• Liza Black, Indiana University
• Marie-Louise Paulesc, ASU
• Molly Mitchell, University of New Orleans
• Nick Johnson, University of Munster
• Nicolette Paglioni, Georgia State University
• Oliver Ayers, New College of the Humanities
• Patricia Belen, Fordham University
• Rachel Reinhard, University of California Berkeley
• Rebecca Walker, Rochester Institute of Technology
• Rosanna Dent, New Jersey Institute of Technology
• Shane Carter, University of California Berkeley
• Tatiana Baxter, Vanderbilt University
• Taylor Griffith, Vanderbilt University
• Zoe Kahn, University of California Berkeley
• Tory L. Schendel Cox, Evansville Museum of Arts, History & Science
• Thomas R. Lonnberg, Evansville Museum of Arts, History & Science

A Journal of the Plague Year: An Archive of COVID19 - main website

Quotes from the diary study 2

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful people can change the world; indeed it's the only thing that ever has. - attributed to Margaret Mead with some degree of uncertainty.

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there someday. - A.A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

COVID Diary 3

I've been reflecting on what I do and don't like about keeping a diary through this.

I have mixed feelings.

I thought at first that it might be interesting to record the experience of a solo who is pretty content overall. I wasn't having trouble isolating.

By recording my experiences, it's both helped and made things harder.

Helped in that it has made me more aware of what I am feeling, I am noticing nuances that might have slipped by me before. And I'm definitely being present.

Made things harder in that by being more present, I am not distancing from my feelings. It is pretty easy for me to get into a zone, and not really examine what is going on all around me, to let it wash over me, and just be. This is forcing me to notice, and by doing so, stuff is coming up more. I am more aware, but I'm also having to process more. That's not a bad thing, but it's a harder thing.

In the end, it is better to be present and process as I go, but I miss the 'luxury' of being able to get into a zone for days at a a time, largely untouched by outside factors. I've also had something personal open up my heart a bit, and that is naturally making my emotions closer to the surface.

Yesterday this manifested in me feeling terribly sad... hardly surprising considering the number of crisis and trauma floating in the ether (pandemic, Nova Scotia shootings, the downed Forces helicopter), coupled with my awareness of friends who are experiencing loss. What got me was hearing the emotions of a journalist after speaking to the mother of one of those lost in the helicopter crash. Not that I am stoic, but I usually like to know the stories; it feels like a way to honour those who have been scarred or who have left us. But I hit a limit yesterday, and it stuck right there in my throat. As I was feeling this, and doodling, I found a tragic face making itself visible on the page, a crying eye, and bringing it out brought everything to the surface.

I am fortunate in that I have skills learned from many years in therapy that I can turn to when I get emotional or stuck. I wasn't yet at the stage of being overwhelmed, let alone panicked, but I have a deep knowledge that even if it gets that bad, I can cope with it. I can process it, I can work it out. This gives me a lot of strength when the chips are down.

The time I learned this was upon my arrival in Athens in 2009, and I had a big dose of culture shock. I felt traumatized and it went very deep. It wasn't so much Athens itself, but I was vulnerable, and something tilted, and I was not doing well. It took me a couple of days to work through it, I think, but I was able to figure out what was going on, and dug deep to find myself, rescue me, and get grounded again. I write about that a bit in my blog (Arrival in Athens and Chocolate, worry beads and a Greek rainstorm), and although I did not reveal a lot, I remember what a mess I was. That experience has taught me how resilient I really am. And the knowledge of that has helped me a few times in recent years, when I hit a wall. In the present, I wasn't there (yet), was just feeling emotional, but I was reminded of this, and it gave me comfort.

In the end yesterday, I worked it through a bit, then mostly distracted myself for the day (with all news off), and gave myself time.

Today, I feel much better.... but it's also what inspired me to think about how documenting at this time is helping me, and not helping.

Not helping? No, it's not that. It can never be a bad thing to be present and to deal with one's stuff, but it IS harder.

Harder isn't a bad thing.

I think I'd rather have it be harder, and have to work it through, than not feel anything at all, or feel oblivious.

It's all good, it's all good....

Museums engage rapid response teams

A few more museum initiatives on documenting life during a pandemic:

London's Victoria and Albert Museum has
put its Rapid Response Collecting team to work

Museums Scramble to Document the Pandemic, Even as It Unfolds - New York Times

Around the world, the coronavirus outbreak has sent legions of emergency medical and health care workers into overdrive. But it has also meant work for a handful of curators and museum researchers in Europe, charged with tracking the events and implications of the crisis, even as it happens. Most of them do not know exactly how or when their findings will be used, but they are confident that future generations of museum workers — and visitors — will want the information... [continue reading the New York Times article].

The International Center of Photography
is collecting on Instagram (#ICPConcerned)

Museums Are Urgently Collecting Homemade Masks and Other Ephemera From the Coronavirus Pandemic to Document History as It Unfolds - ArtNet

Curators call the practice "urgent response collecting"... As many of our minds are focused on how to fight the spread of disease, museums are thinking about how to best document this unique period in history and to preserve elements of the crisis as it unfolds... As a starting point for the current crisis, the Museum of the City of New York and the International Center of Photography are both utilizing Instagram (under the respective hashtags #CovidStoriesNYC and #ICPConcerned)... [continue reading on ArtNet for more initiatives].